The Codger’s Screenplay

Hello again, dear readers. This is The Codger here. If you’re anything like me, you’ve noticed the outrageous number of television programs starring young people taking up space on the airwaves. There is no good reason why many of these programs couldn’t be made starring some more senior characters. No good reason why! Just because we’re older doesn’t mean we can’t be ev’ry bit as hep and as sassy as (if not sassier than) those youngsters. That’s why I wrote a professional screenplay with my word processor to send to any Hollywood producer who will listen. It has it all! I made sure of it by doing several re-writes well into the evening yesterday. Any critiques are welcome in the comments box:

CAST:

Gene—age 72, to be played by a Ronald Reagan type (before he died)

Margie—age 75, Gene’s wife. A dancer and a singer. An older version of that lovely Zooey Deschanel girl

Clarence—age 71, a well-to-do retiree

Alfred—age 76, he is in a fight over his pension. Should be played by Pat Sajak with make-up to make him look old.

Lu—age 87, Clarence’s neighbor who is a widow and a Cougar. Very attractive for her age.

Act 1. Setting: Gene’s house

Gene: Hello, friends. How are you today? Margie, get them some sandwiches.

Clarence: I am fine.

Alfred: As am I.

Margie: Now that we’re all here together, let’s all sing a song.

All: O. K.

(sing song)

Gene: So Clarence, have you been on any more dates with Lu?

Clarence: Yes, we went on a date yesterday.

(commercial break for that Poligrip commercial I like)

Alfred: How was it?

Clarence: We went out to dinner. The meat was kind of tough.

Alfred: I think I am starting to take an interest in vampires. They are cool.

Gene: Did you see that movie about them?

Alfred: Yes. It was a peach, wasn’t it?

All: (nod in agreement)

Gene: What this country needs more of is defense infrastructure. I have just re-invented the Star Wars satellite plan. It can catch commies anywhere they’re hiding. Margie, can you get me my computer? I know how to use it just like you young people.

Clarence: I enjoy computers, too, especially the Internet. Who do you think is going to win Dancing With the Stars?

Alfred: The nerve of my son Ryan, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Gene: Looks like it’s time to take my Crestor. And I’m not talking about the tooth-paste.

All: (laugh)

Clarence: The nerve of Ryan, my son, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Clarence: Do tell. Young people these days aren’t as cool as we older folks, you know.

Enter Lu, stage left

Gene: The main satellite is connected to a different satellite that has a telescope to keep an eye on the Russians, or whoever you make it look at. That’s why it is going to be good for this country.

Clarence: I approve of your plan. We should write a letter to the editor about it.

All: The end.

Gene: I can’t wait until our next episode. We’d better not get canceled by the network.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Bad News for Your Monday

“G Day, mates” (That’s how they greet each other in Australia, even on days when it’s not actually G Day). Well now…I just got off the telephone with my pal Billy. It was what people in the industry refer to as a “cold call” because I wasn’t planning for it. It was a lot different from my fireside chats, which tend to be quite warm.

Billy, generally speaking, calls me with good news, but today the news wasn’t so good. He told me that the bingo parlor he opened up in his garage was shut down by the police, who had the nerve to refer to it as a “speak-easy barroom”. I never thought I’d live to see the day the government would use its power to shut down an entrepreneur. Just as Billy was starting to turn a hefty profit on his bingo and beer operations, what happens but the police swoop in and shut him down, just as his primarily-senior clientele were in the middle of a game of bingo! How are small businesses supposed to afford the licenses until they’re up and running for a little while? You tell me that!

Oh, and Billy also said that someone he knows died. It was some woman who used to live on his street but then moved across town, so they didn’t see each other much after that. I asked him if her name was Barbara Billingsley, the famous actress who just passed (R. I. P.), but he said that it wasn’t her. That didn’t surprise me, as I would not expect Billy to know any major stars, but I thought I’d ask. I always enjoyed Miss Billingsley’s work, and she lived to be the wonderful age of 94. The “Leave It to Beaver” program she starred in is a personal favorite of mine. Now that was real humor!

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Codger Roasts Self

Ahoy to all of my readers reading this “lifestyle column” on the Internet. We welcome both young and senior readers alike around these parts, no questions asked. When I was your age, the way we showed respect for our elders was by “roasting” them. You’d have an audience in a room, and the guests came up to the podium and would take turns pretending to insult the guest of honor. They called that a “roast”. I guess they don’t do them much anymore, since I haven’t been invited to one or seen one on the television lately. But they should do them again; that is why I’ve decided to set the agenda (like we in the media tend to do) and roast myself today. Keep in mind that these insults are exaggerated for comedic effect:

The Codger is so old he can remember the Eisenhower administration…in its entirety!

(laughter)

The Codger went to the store and accidentally bought tangerines instead of oranges!

(laughter)

The Codger’s credit rating is so bad he got de-listed by two of the major credit bureaus!

(laughter)

The Codger was once mistaken for a hippie!

(laughter)

The Codger is so lazy he only wears shoes without laces!

(laughter)

The Codger spent a whole month’s salary on a SARS shelter when he could’ve just bought some masks instead!

(laughter)

The Codger is so dumb he thought that you could get a reverse-reverse mortgage!

(laughter)

The Codger is not good at using computers!

(laughter)

The Codger always forgets where he parked the car!

(laughter)

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

“Dilbert”: Good for Compost, Not Much Else

Hello there, dear readers! I’m glad to be back with you today after my grandniece Tricia took over the reins yesterday to present her essay about someone she admires: The model Bettie Page. Even though I wholeheartedly agree with her selection of Bettie Page and her writing was excellent, I was forced to give her an “A-” because I noticed a few minor spelling errors. She really did a good job using the Wikipedia encyclopedia to the fullest, and I also learned that “<3” means “heart”, which means “love”. Interesting stuff there, Tricia! Keep up the good work, you go-girl!

One of the advantages of living in the Internet era is freedom from that “Dilbert” cartoon that runs in the newspaper. Well, that’s what I thought, but I was wrong. “Dilbert” is also on the Internet. I just googled it on Yahoo and that’s how I found it. I don’t see anything funny about that cartoon. I’ve never laughed from it. Not once. I especially don’t like that dog in it, Dogbert. Why is he allowed to go into that office? You’d think that because he gets to go in an office he would be nice, but he’s constantly being rude–without being funny.

I also dislike the characters with ridiculous hairstyles. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the cartoon, but there’s a woman with hair shaped like a huge triangle, and a man with hair shaped like cones. And that’s the extent of the joke: The woman with triangle hair shows up, and you’re supposed to laugh. The man with the cone hair shows up, and you’re supposed to laugh. I say that humor requires a punchline! The writers of “Dilbert” should study the “Nancy” and “Family Circus” cartoons…now those writers can write a punchline because they’ve been doing it long enough to know the right way! By now, they’re probably senior citizens just like myself! As society’s most esteemed members, we’re in a position to tell people what to think is funny. I showed “Dilbert” to my grandson Max to see if I was off-base, and he failed to see the humor either. I’ve been printing them out off the Internet just so I can recycle them in my new compost bin.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger