Posts Tagged ‘celebrities’

Exemplary Codgers: Patsy Campbell

Hello and ahoy again, all of you who ready this “lifestyle column”. As I was out last week, I let my E-mail get backed up…why, there must have been over a dozen unread E-mails in there! So I spent all day yesterday reading them and getting caught up. One of the best ones came from my grandson Max. He sent me a fantastic Yahoo article: http://finance.yahoo.com/loans/article/111500/the-25-year-foreclosure-from-hell and it gave me the inspiration for this week’s Exemplary Codger: None other than 71 year old Ms. Patsy Campbell.

As Max’s article describes, the government has been trying to kick poor Ms. Campbell out of her house for the past 25 years using a legal loophole called “foreclosure”. I would imagine some of you are familiar with it, particularly those amongst you who don’t manage your finances well. Well, Ms. Campbell has been maintaining her house for 25 years, putting in a watchdog, boarding up all the windows to keep out the storms, and doing all those things that good homeowners in subtropical climates do for the past two and a half decades. That’s because she lives in Florida. And her husband wanted her to have that home when he died, not the government. But as Ms. Campbell says herself, “If they had a case, they would have already won it, years ago”.

Because of all they’ve put her through, this foreclosure truly has become “the foreclosure from hell” for Ms. Campbell. I would’ve stopped making payments years ago, too! But she keeps her spirits high: “They’re not going to take this house. I intend to stay in this house and maintain it as my residence until I die.” Her neighbors should be ashamed of themselves, not pitching in and helping her keep those lawyers off her property! Ms. Campbell, if you’re reading this, I think getting a reverse mortgage (just as I did) might be the answer to your problems! That maneuver would really confuse those lawyers! They’d probably have no idea how to proceed.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Codger Stages an Intervention

Ahoy there, all you readers of this here “lifestyle column”. First on my agenda this morning, I must give my compliments to Nancy Grace for last night’s exceptional program. There were numerous bombshells, and I found it riveting from beginning to end. I’ll be right back “BRB”.

That was my telephone. It was my old pal Bill calling to notify me of the news over in his neck of the woods. He sure had a lot to tell me about today. First, the good news: Billy got himself a good deal on some hard candies at the Dollar General. I hope he got the butterscotches. Those are my favorites. Now, for the bad news: His grandson, Haydon (I’m not sure if that’s how you spell that name), is on drugs. I’m just glad that I don’t ever have to worry about that problem with my grandson Max, my grandniece Tricia, or their friends.

I told Billy that I’d do him a favor and find some good anti-drug intervention videos on the Internet to help poor Haydon kick the habit. I found one that I think is excellent. Very well done. You can really see the way that the speaker, Florrie Fisher, is connecting with the young people in the audience. Haydon had better thank his lucky stars that we have videos like this one that young people like himself can relate to:

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

McMillan Lost the Election and Derek Was Arrested

Ahoy, dear readers. I apologize for not writing an article for you yesterday. The day started off on a bad note: I bought the local newspaper solely for the purpose of reading about the victory of my favored candidate, Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. I was quite alarmed to find that the newspaper didn’t make a single mention of him!

Undaunted, I took to the Internet for answers. I had to go all the way to the Google Search Engine to get answers! Can you imagine that? But here is the answer I found: McMillan lost the race. However, it was a close race and he received over 40,000 votes (thanks, in no small part I’m sure, to my “advertorial” Blogging efforts. With those kind of numbers, it looks like my whole town voted McMillan!). Next election, he might even run for mayor. Mr. McMillan, should you decide to run for office, you have my vote (again).

But then the news got even worse. My grandniece Tricia called me from her cellular phone saying that the father of her upcoming baby, Derek, was in police custody and needed me to bail him out. Apparently there was a bit of a misunderstanding and a confused woman thought she caught him trying to steal her vehicle. Then the authorities showed up, and they misunderstood the entire situation and placed Derek under arrest. I believe they accused him of being some type of ninja (the dangerous type). Fortunately, he’s back home again now so he can help take care of Tricia, Jessica, and baby Nevaeh. If he had been stuck in jail, he wouldn’t have been able to clean their room today, which I asked him to do. It has become a bit messy.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Codger’s Screenplay

Hello again, dear readers. This is The Codger here. If you’re anything like me, you’ve noticed the outrageous number of television programs starring young people taking up space on the airwaves. There is no good reason why many of these programs couldn’t be made starring some more senior characters. No good reason why! Just because we’re older doesn’t mean we can’t be ev’ry bit as hep and as sassy as (if not sassier than) those youngsters. That’s why I wrote a professional screenplay with my word processor to send to any Hollywood producer who will listen. It has it all! I made sure of it by doing several re-writes well into the evening yesterday. Any critiques are welcome in the comments box:

CAST:

Gene—age 72, to be played by a Ronald Reagan type (before he died)

Margie—age 75, Gene’s wife. A dancer and a singer. An older version of that lovely Zooey Deschanel girl

Clarence—age 71, a well-to-do retiree

Alfred—age 76, he is in a fight over his pension. Should be played by Pat Sajak with make-up to make him look old.

Lu—age 87, Clarence’s neighbor who is a widow and a Cougar. Very attractive for her age.

Act 1. Setting: Gene’s house

Gene: Hello, friends. How are you today? Margie, get them some sandwiches.

Clarence: I am fine.

Alfred: As am I.

Margie: Now that we’re all here together, let’s all sing a song.

All: O. K.

(sing song)

Gene: So Clarence, have you been on any more dates with Lu?

Clarence: Yes, we went on a date yesterday.

(commercial break for that Poligrip commercial I like)

Alfred: How was it?

Clarence: We went out to dinner. The meat was kind of tough.

Alfred: I think I am starting to take an interest in vampires. They are cool.

Gene: Did you see that movie about them?

Alfred: Yes. It was a peach, wasn’t it?

All: (nod in agreement)

Gene: What this country needs more of is defense infrastructure. I have just re-invented the Star Wars satellite plan. It can catch commies anywhere they’re hiding. Margie, can you get me my computer? I know how to use it just like you young people.

Clarence: I enjoy computers, too, especially the Internet. Who do you think is going to win Dancing With the Stars?

Alfred: The nerve of my son Ryan, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Gene: Looks like it’s time to take my Crestor. And I’m not talking about the tooth-paste.

All: (laugh)

Clarence: The nerve of Ryan, my son, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Clarence: Do tell. Young people these days aren’t as cool as we older folks, you know.

Enter Lu, stage left

Gene: The main satellite is connected to a different satellite that has a telescope to keep an eye on the Russians, or whoever you make it look at. That’s why it is going to be good for this country.

Clarence: I approve of your plan. We should write a letter to the editor about it.

All: The end.

Gene: I can’t wait until our next episode. We’d better not get canceled by the network.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

I Am Not Allowed to Tell You Who to Vote For, So I’m Just Going to Tell You to Vote

A very pleasant Monday to you, dear readers. I am positively wrapped with guilt for not being with you this weekend. You see, me and the missus decided to take a romantic spur-of-the-moment “staycation” (buzzword) to Atlantic City just like we used to do. In case you were wondering, I lost. And to add insult to injury, when we got back, I fired up my computer only to find that there was something wrong with it: There was a message on the screen telling me that I had to restart even though I’d just turned it on. I didn’t like the sounds of that…that’s exactly the kind of thing the dreaded “computer virus” would tell you to do, so I called my grandson Max and he came over to fix it. While I was away, a major news story broke and I wanted to make sure that you were aware of it. That is my duty as a professional, impartial journalist. New York State gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party is the story:

At first, I was saddened that such a quintessential codger had made such an impact on news and politics. Here was a codger that, by some accounts, was superior to myself. I thought to myself, “How can I carry on?” But then I remembered that all we codgers are in this game together. A vote for Jimmy McMillan is a vote for me, The Codger. So remember to vote for Jimmy McMillan this election, even if you have to write his name in on the ballot. I’m going to change my party affiliation to the Rent Is Too Damn High Party, but I’m going to wait until after the election so there’s no confusion with my registration. You are allowed to vote for people who aren’t in your registered party, you know.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

More Bad News: R. I. P. Tom Bosley

It’s a sad morning, dear readers. As if the death of Barbara Billingsley was not enough of a tragedy, now we have lost another prominent senior citizen: television celebrity Tom Bosley. I’m nearly too shaken up to talk about it. And Mr. Bosley was only 83! It makes you wonder what’s going on out there in California. Why are the seniors of the Golden State suddenly so vulnerable?   

Let us take a moment to remember Tom Bosley in his prime, doing what he did best: Entertain us. I’m sure most of you young people know Mr. Bosley best from his work on Happy Days, but for my money, those Father Dowling Mysteries were some of the most mysterious mysteries on television, much better than your C. S. I.’s and your Law and Orders, if you want to know the truth. You’d better believe I wrote numerous letters when they took it off the air.

Tom Bosley also sold me my first Studebaker. Not directly, mind you…I bought it from the local dealer in town. But I did watch Tom Bosley’s commercial program for it. That was before he was a celebrity in half-hour programs, so he was getting his start on these shorter programs. Even this early in his acting career, he didn’t “steer” me wrong “L. O. L. Z.!” (I saw my grandniece Tricia spell “L. O. L.” that way, with a “Z”). That was a fine automobile, and Mr. Bosley went on to become a fine senior citizen. Tom Bosley, R. I. P.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Bad News for Your Monday

“G Day, mates” (That’s how they greet each other in Australia, even on days when it’s not actually G Day). Well now…I just got off the telephone with my pal Billy. It was what people in the industry refer to as a “cold call” because I wasn’t planning for it. It was a lot different from my fireside chats, which tend to be quite warm.

Billy, generally speaking, calls me with good news, but today the news wasn’t so good. He told me that the bingo parlor he opened up in his garage was shut down by the police, who had the nerve to refer to it as a “speak-easy barroom”. I never thought I’d live to see the day the government would use its power to shut down an entrepreneur. Just as Billy was starting to turn a hefty profit on his bingo and beer operations, what happens but the police swoop in and shut him down, just as his primarily-senior clientele were in the middle of a game of bingo! How are small businesses supposed to afford the licenses until they’re up and running for a little while? You tell me that!

Oh, and Billy also said that someone he knows died. It was some woman who used to live on his street but then moved across town, so they didn’t see each other much after that. I asked him if her name was Barbara Billingsley, the famous actress who just passed (R. I. P.), but he said that it wasn’t her. That didn’t surprise me, as I would not expect Billy to know any major stars, but I thought I’d ask. I always enjoyed Miss Billingsley’s work, and she lived to be the wonderful age of 94. The “Leave It to Beaver” program she starred in is a personal favorite of mine. Now that was real humor!

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger