Posts Tagged ‘TV’

Watching Nevaeh All Day

Good day to you, dear friends. Well now, after spending yesterday watching over little Nevaeh, I am proud to report that I have successfully transferred guardianship of her back over to her mother, Jessica. Truth be told, I’m not as young as I used to be, and an entire day watching the little one wore me out!

It all started when Jessica, Tricia, and Derek left for the park. Jessica handed me Nevaeh and my paternal instincts kicked in right away. Those instincts told me that sometimes, a difficult youngster requires a woman’s touch. So I brought in the expert: the common-law Mrs. Codger. While she was assessing the situation, I headed over to the hardware store to buy some supplies for my next home “reno”. The clerk tried to sell me on some of that off-the-shelf stuff, but I demanded builder grade paint and countertops, the kind they only sell to the professional builders. Nothing but the best for my home! I told the clerk that I am good friends with a lady contractor, and that’s why it’s OK to sell me the builder grade stuff. The builder grade paint he sold me is the whitest white paint I’ve ever seen! It’s stunning. I also picked up what they call “naughty pine” paneling for my walls because I’ve heard them mention it on the Home and Garden TV Channel.

When I got home, Nevaeh had finally calmed down, so we all ate dinner together as a family (using our family values) and then watched some television until Tricia, Derek, and Jessica got home around 10:15. They said they had a fun time at the park, and that’s just about the time that I gave Nevaeh back to Jessica. I hope Jessica took full responsibility for her for the rest of the evening so that Derek had time to prepare mentally for his first day on the job as the new Secretary of My Home Land’s Security serving in my administration. 

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

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Election Day Words of Wisdom

Kind hellos to you all today. I just got back from the polls, where I did more than my part to support the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. On this Election Day, we all have to be careful to thwart the attempts by the hippie parties to grab the brass ring of power. I have certainly noticed them trying their hardest of late. Their method is insidious: To brainwash people through the mainstream media. And they’re starting to go after younger and younger voters. I present as evidence this advertising program for Luvs Diapers:

You know we’re in a sad state when the hippie parties are turning diapers into politically-charged attire. I’d like to see those grass-roots babies try and plan another Woodstock Festival on their own without the Party’s help. It wouldn’t happen! Those diapers-wearing babies don’t have the technology to do it. And that’s how you know it’s the Party bosses that are behind the whole thing, pushing their hippie agenda. Don’t be fooled! If you vote the hippies back into power, you’re going to regret it.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Codger’s Screenplay

Hello again, dear readers. This is The Codger here. If you’re anything like me, you’ve noticed the outrageous number of television programs starring young people taking up space on the airwaves. There is no good reason why many of these programs couldn’t be made starring some more senior characters. No good reason why! Just because we’re older doesn’t mean we can’t be ev’ry bit as hep and as sassy as (if not sassier than) those youngsters. That’s why I wrote a professional screenplay with my word processor to send to any Hollywood producer who will listen. It has it all! I made sure of it by doing several re-writes well into the evening yesterday. Any critiques are welcome in the comments box:

CAST:

Gene—age 72, to be played by a Ronald Reagan type (before he died)

Margie—age 75, Gene’s wife. A dancer and a singer. An older version of that lovely Zooey Deschanel girl

Clarence—age 71, a well-to-do retiree

Alfred—age 76, he is in a fight over his pension. Should be played by Pat Sajak with make-up to make him look old.

Lu—age 87, Clarence’s neighbor who is a widow and a Cougar. Very attractive for her age.

Act 1. Setting: Gene’s house

Gene: Hello, friends. How are you today? Margie, get them some sandwiches.

Clarence: I am fine.

Alfred: As am I.

Margie: Now that we’re all here together, let’s all sing a song.

All: O. K.

(sing song)

Gene: So Clarence, have you been on any more dates with Lu?

Clarence: Yes, we went on a date yesterday.

(commercial break for that Poligrip commercial I like)

Alfred: How was it?

Clarence: We went out to dinner. The meat was kind of tough.

Alfred: I think I am starting to take an interest in vampires. They are cool.

Gene: Did you see that movie about them?

Alfred: Yes. It was a peach, wasn’t it?

All: (nod in agreement)

Gene: What this country needs more of is defense infrastructure. I have just re-invented the Star Wars satellite plan. It can catch commies anywhere they’re hiding. Margie, can you get me my computer? I know how to use it just like you young people.

Clarence: I enjoy computers, too, especially the Internet. Who do you think is going to win Dancing With the Stars?

Alfred: The nerve of my son Ryan, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Gene: Looks like it’s time to take my Crestor. And I’m not talking about the tooth-paste.

All: (laugh)

Clarence: The nerve of Ryan, my son, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Clarence: Do tell. Young people these days aren’t as cool as we older folks, you know.

Enter Lu, stage left

Gene: The main satellite is connected to a different satellite that has a telescope to keep an eye on the Russians, or whoever you make it look at. That’s why it is going to be good for this country.

Clarence: I approve of your plan. We should write a letter to the editor about it.

All: The end.

Gene: I can’t wait until our next episode. We’d better not get canceled by the network.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

I Am Not Allowed to Tell You Who to Vote For, So I’m Just Going to Tell You to Vote

A very pleasant Monday to you, dear readers. I am positively wrapped with guilt for not being with you this weekend. You see, me and the missus decided to take a romantic spur-of-the-moment “staycation” (buzzword) to Atlantic City just like we used to do. In case you were wondering, I lost. And to add insult to injury, when we got back, I fired up my computer only to find that there was something wrong with it: There was a message on the screen telling me that I had to restart even though I’d just turned it on. I didn’t like the sounds of that…that’s exactly the kind of thing the dreaded “computer virus” would tell you to do, so I called my grandson Max and he came over to fix it. While I was away, a major news story broke and I wanted to make sure that you were aware of it. That is my duty as a professional, impartial journalist. New York State gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party is the story:

At first, I was saddened that such a quintessential codger had made such an impact on news and politics. Here was a codger that, by some accounts, was superior to myself. I thought to myself, “How can I carry on?” But then I remembered that all we codgers are in this game together. A vote for Jimmy McMillan is a vote for me, The Codger. So remember to vote for Jimmy McMillan this election, even if you have to write his name in on the ballot. I’m going to change my party affiliation to the Rent Is Too Damn High Party, but I’m going to wait until after the election so there’s no confusion with my registration. You are allowed to vote for people who aren’t in your registered party, you know.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

More Bad News: R. I. P. Tom Bosley

It’s a sad morning, dear readers. As if the death of Barbara Billingsley was not enough of a tragedy, now we have lost another prominent senior citizen: television celebrity Tom Bosley. I’m nearly too shaken up to talk about it. And Mr. Bosley was only 83! It makes you wonder what’s going on out there in California. Why are the seniors of the Golden State suddenly so vulnerable?   

Let us take a moment to remember Tom Bosley in his prime, doing what he did best: Entertain us. I’m sure most of you young people know Mr. Bosley best from his work on Happy Days, but for my money, those Father Dowling Mysteries were some of the most mysterious mysteries on television, much better than your C. S. I.’s and your Law and Orders, if you want to know the truth. You’d better believe I wrote numerous letters when they took it off the air.

Tom Bosley also sold me my first Studebaker. Not directly, mind you…I bought it from the local dealer in town. But I did watch Tom Bosley’s commercial program for it. That was before he was a celebrity in half-hour programs, so he was getting his start on these shorter programs. Even this early in his acting career, he didn’t “steer” me wrong “L. O. L. Z.!” (I saw my grandniece Tricia spell “L. O. L.” that way, with a “Z”). That was a fine automobile, and Mr. Bosley went on to become a fine senior citizen. Tom Bosley, R. I. P.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Bad News for Your Monday

“G Day, mates” (That’s how they greet each other in Australia, even on days when it’s not actually G Day). Well now…I just got off the telephone with my pal Billy. It was what people in the industry refer to as a “cold call” because I wasn’t planning for it. It was a lot different from my fireside chats, which tend to be quite warm.

Billy, generally speaking, calls me with good news, but today the news wasn’t so good. He told me that the bingo parlor he opened up in his garage was shut down by the police, who had the nerve to refer to it as a “speak-easy barroom”. I never thought I’d live to see the day the government would use its power to shut down an entrepreneur. Just as Billy was starting to turn a hefty profit on his bingo and beer operations, what happens but the police swoop in and shut him down, just as his primarily-senior clientele were in the middle of a game of bingo! How are small businesses supposed to afford the licenses until they’re up and running for a little while? You tell me that!

Oh, and Billy also said that someone he knows died. It was some woman who used to live on his street but then moved across town, so they didn’t see each other much after that. I asked him if her name was Barbara Billingsley, the famous actress who just passed (R. I. P.), but he said that it wasn’t her. That didn’t surprise me, as I would not expect Billy to know any major stars, but I thought I’d ask. I always enjoyed Miss Billingsley’s work, and she lived to be the wonderful age of 94. The “Leave It to Beaver” program she starred in is a personal favorite of mine. Now that was real humor!

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Trying to Get the Pickers to Come to my House

Good morning this fine and restful Sabbath, unless you’re Jewish, in which case you had your Sabbath yesterday and are free to get a lot of work done today. Did you enjoy the article my grandniece Tricia wrote for this “lifestyle column” yesterday? Yes, yes, I am sure you did. And I did as well. I told Tricia, I said, “Name that baby whatever you want. Don’t feel pressured to name it after me.” I thought that all the names she’s thought up so far were fantastically imaginative, especially that boy’s name, Jayden. With any luck, that baby will grow up to be an artist just like his cousin Max.

Have you ever seen that television program about the American Pickers? I forget what it’s called, but two Pickers go around buying old stuff and then selling it at their second-hand store. You don’t even have to take your stuff to them: They come right to your house in their van! You don’t get service like that most places nowadays. And I almost forgot the best part: The Pickers prefer having senior citizens as customers. Whereas most businessmen are always trying to do business with the young hippies, the Pickers on the television always do business with only the most intriguing seniors, handing over cold hard cash for our worthless old trash. No credit cards, only cash—the way we like it.

In an attempt to get the Pickers to come to my house, I’m going to have to go through all my stuff, picking out the items that they might want to buy. Then I can put them all out in my living room. I don’t want complete strangers traipsing through my basement and my shed making a mess of everything! I’ve got a beautiful toaster that’s barely been used, and quite a few empty yogurt tubs I’ve been saving. You can put anything in them: nails, screws, pins, foodstuffs. Someone would probably give those Pickers quite a nice amount to get their hands on such a useful collection of containers, especially because I kept the lids.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger