Election Day Words of Wisdom

Kind hellos to you all today. I just got back from the polls, where I did more than my part to support the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. On this Election Day, we all have to be careful to thwart the attempts by the hippie parties to grab the brass ring of power. I have certainly noticed them trying their hardest of late. Their method is insidious: To brainwash people through the mainstream media. And they’re starting to go after younger and younger voters. I present as evidence this advertising program for Luvs Diapers:

You know we’re in a sad state when the hippie parties are turning diapers into politically-charged attire. I’d like to see those grass-roots babies try and plan another Woodstock Festival on their own without the Party’s help. It wouldn’t happen! Those diapers-wearing babies don’t have the technology to do it. And that’s how you know it’s the Party bosses that are behind the whole thing, pushing their hippie agenda. Don’t be fooled! If you vote the hippies back into power, you’re going to regret it.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Codger’s Screenplay

Hello again, dear readers. This is The Codger here. If you’re anything like me, you’ve noticed the outrageous number of television programs starring young people taking up space on the airwaves. There is no good reason why many of these programs couldn’t be made starring some more senior characters. No good reason why! Just because we’re older doesn’t mean we can’t be ev’ry bit as hep and as sassy as (if not sassier than) those youngsters. That’s why I wrote a professional screenplay with my word processor to send to any Hollywood producer who will listen. It has it all! I made sure of it by doing several re-writes well into the evening yesterday. Any critiques are welcome in the comments box:

CAST:

Gene—age 72, to be played by a Ronald Reagan type (before he died)

Margie—age 75, Gene’s wife. A dancer and a singer. An older version of that lovely Zooey Deschanel girl

Clarence—age 71, a well-to-do retiree

Alfred—age 76, he is in a fight over his pension. Should be played by Pat Sajak with make-up to make him look old.

Lu—age 87, Clarence’s neighbor who is a widow and a Cougar. Very attractive for her age.

Act 1. Setting: Gene’s house

Gene: Hello, friends. How are you today? Margie, get them some sandwiches.

Clarence: I am fine.

Alfred: As am I.

Margie: Now that we’re all here together, let’s all sing a song.

All: O. K.

(sing song)

Gene: So Clarence, have you been on any more dates with Lu?

Clarence: Yes, we went on a date yesterday.

(commercial break for that Poligrip commercial I like)

Alfred: How was it?

Clarence: We went out to dinner. The meat was kind of tough.

Alfred: I think I am starting to take an interest in vampires. They are cool.

Gene: Did you see that movie about them?

Alfred: Yes. It was a peach, wasn’t it?

All: (nod in agreement)

Gene: What this country needs more of is defense infrastructure. I have just re-invented the Star Wars satellite plan. It can catch commies anywhere they’re hiding. Margie, can you get me my computer? I know how to use it just like you young people.

Clarence: I enjoy computers, too, especially the Internet. Who do you think is going to win Dancing With the Stars?

Alfred: The nerve of my son Ryan, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Gene: Looks like it’s time to take my Crestor. And I’m not talking about the tooth-paste.

All: (laugh)

Clarence: The nerve of Ryan, my son, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Clarence: Do tell. Young people these days aren’t as cool as we older folks, you know.

Enter Lu, stage left

Gene: The main satellite is connected to a different satellite that has a telescope to keep an eye on the Russians, or whoever you make it look at. That’s why it is going to be good for this country.

Clarence: I approve of your plan. We should write a letter to the editor about it.

All: The end.

Gene: I can’t wait until our next episode. We’d better not get canceled by the network.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

More Bad News: R. I. P. Tom Bosley

It’s a sad morning, dear readers. As if the death of Barbara Billingsley was not enough of a tragedy, now we have lost another prominent senior citizen: television celebrity Tom Bosley. I’m nearly too shaken up to talk about it. And Mr. Bosley was only 83! It makes you wonder what’s going on out there in California. Why are the seniors of the Golden State suddenly so vulnerable?   

Let us take a moment to remember Tom Bosley in his prime, doing what he did best: Entertain us. I’m sure most of you young people know Mr. Bosley best from his work on Happy Days, but for my money, those Father Dowling Mysteries were some of the most mysterious mysteries on television, much better than your C. S. I.’s and your Law and Orders, if you want to know the truth. You’d better believe I wrote numerous letters when they took it off the air.

Tom Bosley also sold me my first Studebaker. Not directly, mind you…I bought it from the local dealer in town. But I did watch Tom Bosley’s commercial program for it. That was before he was a celebrity in half-hour programs, so he was getting his start on these shorter programs. Even this early in his acting career, he didn’t “steer” me wrong “L. O. L. Z.!” (I saw my grandniece Tricia spell “L. O. L.” that way, with a “Z”). That was a fine automobile, and Mr. Bosley went on to become a fine senior citizen. Tom Bosley, R. I. P.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Exemplary Codgers: Roni Deutch

Hello again, readers. It’s been a stretch since I’ve told you about an Exemplary Codger to look up to, so I’m going to tell you about one today. I’ll be the first person to admit that an important prerequisite for being an Exemplary Codger is age, but that’s not to say that you can’t become a codger when you’re younger. Or when you’re a woman. Just take a look at Roni Deutch. She’s still a spring chicken, but she’s already become more of a codger than some people ever will be.

The minute you set eyes upon her television commercial and she utters her catchphrase, “Hi, I’m Roni Deutch”, you know you’re in for a treat. If that commercial isn’t number one in the ratings, I would be extremely surprised, shocked even. I couldn’t find it on the YouTube video search engine, but I did find this miniature documentary someone made about her life. It reminds me of one of the old newsreels they used to play at the movies:  Only an Exemplary Codger could call the I. R. S. a Big Bully and get away with it!

I just did some additional research on her official Wikipedia encyclopedia page, and it says that California’s Attorney General is suing Roni for $34 million for swindling money out of her clients, who apparently don’t get their money’s worth. Well of course her services are expensive! You don’t think that spending time with Roni comes cheap, do you? I’d say that it takes a lot of nerve for that Attorney General to sue a lawyer, because lawyers know how to fight back, particularly a good lawyer like Roni Deutch, Exemplary Codger. I hereby give Roni permission to go ahead and add an “Ex.C.” after her “Esq.”    

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger