Posts Tagged ‘commercials’

Election Day Words of Wisdom

Kind hellos to you all today. I just got back from the polls, where I did more than my part to support the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. On this Election Day, we all have to be careful to thwart the attempts by the hippie parties to grab the brass ring of power. I have certainly noticed them trying their hardest of late. Their method is insidious: To brainwash people through the mainstream media. And they’re starting to go after younger and younger voters. I present as evidence this advertising program for Luvs Diapers:

You know we’re in a sad state when the hippie parties are turning diapers into politically-charged attire. I’d like to see those grass-roots babies try and plan another Woodstock Festival on their own without the Party’s help. It wouldn’t happen! Those diapers-wearing babies don’t have the technology to do it. And that’s how you know it’s the Party bosses that are behind the whole thing, pushing their hippie agenda. Don’t be fooled! If you vote the hippies back into power, you’re going to regret it.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

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The Codger’s Screenplay

Hello again, dear readers. This is The Codger here. If you’re anything like me, you’ve noticed the outrageous number of television programs starring young people taking up space on the airwaves. There is no good reason why many of these programs couldn’t be made starring some more senior characters. No good reason why! Just because we’re older doesn’t mean we can’t be ev’ry bit as hep and as sassy as (if not sassier than) those youngsters. That’s why I wrote a professional screenplay with my word processor to send to any Hollywood producer who will listen. It has it all! I made sure of it by doing several re-writes well into the evening yesterday. Any critiques are welcome in the comments box:

CAST:

Gene—age 72, to be played by a Ronald Reagan type (before he died)

Margie—age 75, Gene’s wife. A dancer and a singer. An older version of that lovely Zooey Deschanel girl

Clarence—age 71, a well-to-do retiree

Alfred—age 76, he is in a fight over his pension. Should be played by Pat Sajak with make-up to make him look old.

Lu—age 87, Clarence’s neighbor who is a widow and a Cougar. Very attractive for her age.

Act 1. Setting: Gene’s house

Gene: Hello, friends. How are you today? Margie, get them some sandwiches.

Clarence: I am fine.

Alfred: As am I.

Margie: Now that we’re all here together, let’s all sing a song.

All: O. K.

(sing song)

Gene: So Clarence, have you been on any more dates with Lu?

Clarence: Yes, we went on a date yesterday.

(commercial break for that Poligrip commercial I like)

Alfred: How was it?

Clarence: We went out to dinner. The meat was kind of tough.

Alfred: I think I am starting to take an interest in vampires. They are cool.

Gene: Did you see that movie about them?

Alfred: Yes. It was a peach, wasn’t it?

All: (nod in agreement)

Gene: What this country needs more of is defense infrastructure. I have just re-invented the Star Wars satellite plan. It can catch commies anywhere they’re hiding. Margie, can you get me my computer? I know how to use it just like you young people.

Clarence: I enjoy computers, too, especially the Internet. Who do you think is going to win Dancing With the Stars?

Alfred: The nerve of my son Ryan, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Gene: Looks like it’s time to take my Crestor. And I’m not talking about the tooth-paste.

All: (laugh)

Clarence: The nerve of Ryan, my son, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Clarence: Do tell. Young people these days aren’t as cool as we older folks, you know.

Enter Lu, stage left

Gene: The main satellite is connected to a different satellite that has a telescope to keep an eye on the Russians, or whoever you make it look at. That’s why it is going to be good for this country.

Clarence: I approve of your plan. We should write a letter to the editor about it.

All: The end.

Gene: I can’t wait until our next episode. We’d better not get canceled by the network.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

More Bad News: R. I. P. Tom Bosley

It’s a sad morning, dear readers. As if the death of Barbara Billingsley was not enough of a tragedy, now we have lost another prominent senior citizen: television celebrity Tom Bosley. I’m nearly too shaken up to talk about it. And Mr. Bosley was only 83! It makes you wonder what’s going on out there in California. Why are the seniors of the Golden State suddenly so vulnerable?   

Let us take a moment to remember Tom Bosley in his prime, doing what he did best: Entertain us. I’m sure most of you young people know Mr. Bosley best from his work on Happy Days, but for my money, those Father Dowling Mysteries were some of the most mysterious mysteries on television, much better than your C. S. I.’s and your Law and Orders, if you want to know the truth. You’d better believe I wrote numerous letters when they took it off the air.

Tom Bosley also sold me my first Studebaker. Not directly, mind you…I bought it from the local dealer in town. But I did watch Tom Bosley’s commercial program for it. That was before he was a celebrity in half-hour programs, so he was getting his start on these shorter programs. Even this early in his acting career, he didn’t “steer” me wrong “L. O. L. Z.!” (I saw my grandniece Tricia spell “L. O. L.” that way, with a “Z”). That was a fine automobile, and Mr. Bosley went on to become a fine senior citizen. Tom Bosley, R. I. P.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Exemplary Codgers: Roni Deutch

Hello again, readers. It’s been a stretch since I’ve told you about an Exemplary Codger to look up to, so I’m going to tell you about one today. I’ll be the first person to admit that an important prerequisite for being an Exemplary Codger is age, but that’s not to say that you can’t become a codger when you’re younger. Or when you’re a woman. Just take a look at Roni Deutch. She’s still a spring chicken, but she’s already become more of a codger than some people ever will be.

The minute you set eyes upon her television commercial and she utters her catchphrase, “Hi, I’m Roni Deutch”, you know you’re in for a treat. If that commercial isn’t number one in the ratings, I would be extremely surprised, shocked even. I couldn’t find it on the YouTube video search engine, but I did find this miniature documentary someone made about her life. It reminds me of one of the old newsreels they used to play at the movies:  Only an Exemplary Codger could call the I. R. S. a Big Bully and get away with it!

I just did some additional research on her official Wikipedia encyclopedia page, and it says that California’s Attorney General is suing Roni for $34 million for swindling money out of her clients, who apparently don’t get their money’s worth. Well of course her services are expensive! You don’t think that spending time with Roni comes cheap, do you? I’d say that it takes a lot of nerve for that Attorney General to sue a lawyer, because lawyers know how to fight back, particularly a good lawyer like Roni Deutch, Exemplary Codger. I hereby give Roni permission to go ahead and add an “Ex.C.” after her “Esq.”    

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Coming Soon: The Codger’s Shrimp Shack

Greetings to you on this fine Sunday. Thank you for clearing your schedule to make time for The Codger. I had expected to spend part of today frying up my home-grown brine shrimp, but they’re not ready yet. At the rate they’re growing, they’ll probably need a few more weeks until they’re jumbo. I did some research and I came across a helpful Blog that has some useful tips, such as a special recipe for brine shrimp, as well as shrimp etiquette. As far as I can recall, I don’t remember Miss Manners giving any advice on the subject, so I was happy to find this. Wouldn’t want to be uncouth when eating my first harvest! Did you know that when eating skewered shrimp, you should “slide the shrimp off onto a plate (even if it is a paper plate at a cook out). Skewered shrimp should never be eaten like a corn dog”? I didn’t know that! And when you’re eating fried shrimp, it’s acceptable to use your fingers. I did know that. Everyone knows that, or at least they should.

Once my shrimp are ready, I expect the dinner to go something like this commercial I’ve been seeing for Joe’s Crab Shack, but with shrimp, and with me, The Codger, in the starring role instead of Joe:

Obviously, there will have to be some other minor changes to the script. My version will go something like this:

I'm doing the brine!

I'm doing the brine!

I'm doing the brine!*

I'm doing all three!

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

*photo linked from The Inquisitr

The Young Generation Extends an Olive Branch


Good morning, my little lotus blossoms. My grandson Max just called me to say that he’s almost reached his destination in California, so I’m going to turn things over to him tomorrow to “guest blog”. I cannot wait to hear all about his trip, and I am sure you must feel likewise.

On a hot day like today, there’s no bigger treat than a big glass of ice water. It’s nature’s candy, so treat yourself. Just don’t treat yourself to too much actual candy, or you’ll get the diabetes. I’ve been seeing a new public service announcement about diabetes testing with Nick Jonas in it. He seems like such a nice, clean-cut young hipster, and it’s good to see him plugging the generation gap by extending an olive branch to the senior and baby boomer demographics.

Now when we seniors start talking to you young people about the diabetes, you have no excuse not to know what we’re talking about because Nick Jonas told you. If there’s one thing we seniors enjoy, it’s having something in common with young people to talk about. It wasn’t that long ago that we were young, you know. It wasn’t like it is now, where all the kids care about is getting hopped up on Totino’s all the time:

I didn’t see a single warning in that commercial about the diabetes! Not a one! I remember when my Uncle Roosevelt (that was his first name, not his last) would start talking about his diabetes. He didn’t know how to make it fun like Nick Jonas makes it. After you watch that public service announcement a few times, you’ll probably want to go out and get the diabetes yourself, that’s how fun he makes it seem. Of course, getting the diabetes gives you a good conversation starter for any situation, but you cannot forget the health consequences, which can be deadly.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Who Should Replace Larry King?


A fine Monday to you, my audience. I’ve heard word that Larry King will be leaving his talk show in short order, so I thought we should spend some time today talking about it. While I don’t know that I’d go so far as to call Larry King a codger “per say”—I’ve always considered him more of benign curmudgeon myself–I can’t say I’m happy to see another senior citizen’s program go off the air, especially when he still seems lucid most of the time. That’s more than can be said for many other seniors.

What really ruffles my feathers is that it looks like the CNN network will be replacing Larry King with someone younger. At the moment, the frontrunner jockeying for the position is Piers Morgan, a Brit. Being unfamiliar with him, I can’t offer my opinion except to say that he may not have the necessary level of maturity for the anchor chair due to his lack of age. If I were in charge at the CNN network, I would keep looking for some other candidates.

If they’re looking for somebody younger-looking but who is secretly a senior citizen, Joan Rivers would be a fine choice. You young people reading this probably don’t realize it, but Joan Rivers is, in fact, over age 40. I’d say she’s probably pushing 65 by now, considering I’ve been watching her on the TV for a good 30 years already. Another person I would consider is my pal Hiram. He used to host an A. M. radio program after the war. He doesn’t talk about it much, so I think he must’ve been a forerunner of what have come to be known as “shock jocks”. Hiram doesn’t have an agent, but if they advertise the opening in the newspaper classifieds, he can phone them himself. Just because he’s older doesn’t mean that he can’t make a few phone calls without an agent’s help.

But if they insist on going with a younger host, I would nominate that lady Flo from the insurance commercials. I like the way she talks to people. She is very nice, and also helpful. Had I known she works in that industry, I would have bought my reverse mortgage from her. That’s how good she is, and she would be just as good as a talk show host. Here, see for yourself:

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger