Posts Tagged ‘Tricia’

Happy New Year! The Communists Have Moved In

Good morning, all ye readers. How did you enjoy the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day, or, as I call it, the Other Sweeps Week? Mine was ruined because my son Brian got me a Friendly’s gift certificate. He knows I don’t eat there. I stopped eating there the day they stopped letting me order the chicken meal from the children’s menu. I don’t even care about the price. The thing I like is that they put the chicken cutlets on skewers for you. It’s very attractive that way, and it’s easier to eat. If there was a version of it on the regular menu, I’d be more than happy to order it, but since there’s not, there’s no good reason why my cold, hard greenbacks shouldn’t be good enough to buy it off the children’s menu.

Unfortunately, I’m going to have to keep a lower Internet profile on the Internet. Yesterday I saw a bunch of Commies all go into the house next door. The reason I know they were Commies is that they were all wearing red hats. Sure, they tried to disguise themselves by wearing purple sweaters, but that didn’t fool me. No, sir. And they were all lady Commies, the most sinister kind of all.

I told my grandniece Tricia and her friends to be careful not to talk about our Capitalist system over the Internet, because the Commies have probably bugged our system. Since you’re reading this “lifestyle column”, you might want to take my advice as well. That’s how it all starts: They move in next door innocently enough, and the next thing you know, they’ve started monitoring your phone calls and your Internet blogs. So I’m not going to say anything pro-Capitalist here in this space. But just to be on the safe side, I’m going to be keeping a lower profile until I’m sure they’ve stopped watching us. I wouldn’t be surprised if my son Brian hired them to snoop on me. He probably thought they were regular spies and didn’t even realize they were the Communist kind. The unobservant could easily make that mistake.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Reminiscing About My Weekend

Hello again, dear readers. I just got in from my morning walk around the block. I noticed one of my neighbors, “Mrs. D.”,  taking her groceries out of her trunk after returning from the store. I saw she had two bottles of soda in her bag. That woman drinks too much soda. I just saw her buy some last week, and she lives by herself, so it’s not as if she’s sharing it with anyone. You can’t drink too much soda or you’ll get the tooth rot and the diabetes. The next time I see her son visiting, I’m going to pull him aside and tell him to talk to her about it. It’s a sacrifice on my part, but I’ll do it because it’s the neighborly thing to do.

I put up the Christmas lights over the weekend. They’re the new kind on nets. They call them light nets. All you’ve got to do is plug them in and throw them over the bush you want to put lights on. I even put some on my mailbox bee colony.

The other thing I did was to put up the Christmas tannenbaum. Derek did a fine job guarding the property while the door was open (so we could bring the tannenbaum inside), and Tricia was equally magnificent setting the tree in the stand and making sure it was standing straight and tall. Finally, Jessica hoisted baby Nevaeh up to light the star on the top branch. She was too young to be able to do anything, but I flipped the switch when she touched the star. That’s how you make Christmas fun for the younger generation. And we decorated it with real candles, just like they did when they first came out with tannenbaums back in the 1940s.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

so stressed

what i look like know LOL

Hey yall, so I guess my uncle told yall about my Braxton Hicks. Its probably cuz I’m stressin like crazy, im thinking Derek don’t find me as attractive anymore that I’m preggo. I no hes been getting with Jess more know that shes all skinny again like I use 2 b. he don’t even let me wear his boxer’s no more, but I saw Jess wearing them when she was feeding Nevaeh. I think hes just stressed cuz he deserves a raze for doing a good job watchin our house (hint to my uncle!!!!). and im gonna bottle feed so i get to keep my figure when its all over :D don’t worry baby, everythings gonna work out as long as we have love. Luv, TRICIA ;0

Tricia’s Mind Almost Tricked Her Into Giving Birth

Hello and ahoy, dear readers. Did you take the time to read my grandson Max’s guest Blog for this here “lifestyle column” yesterday? Well, you should have. He talked all about his art. If he keeps up his pace, he’s going to become the new Jackson Polanski. You know, the one who splattered paint all over the walls and called it art, because it was…regular people just needed to be told it was for them to realize it.

As Max told you, I had to go to the store yesterday morning. I had to pick up some kibble for Hannah Montana, a tube of Dr. Rembrandt’s Tooth Paste, a box of oatmeal, and a few other sundries. Did I tell you that my groatmeal I ordered over the Internet came in the mail the other day? It did. Turns out, it was bird feed. I gave the rest of it to the birds outside, but that left meal without a meal! That’s why I had to pick up the oatmeal. It might be a while before I give groatmeal another try.

Well, no sooner did I walk in the door than I heard my grandniece Tricia making all kinds of a ruckus. Now, I’ve gotten used to Tricia and her friends making noise around the house, but this took the cake! She was screaming that the baby’s coming! When we got her to the clinic, the good doctor told us she was having what are known in medical circles as “Braxton Hicks Contractions” and that she wasn’t really having the baby. It was all in her mind. She must get that from her mother’s side of the family…that mother of hers has always been a touch on the nervous side. After that, I was so relieved that I went to get the car while Tricia finished up with the doctor. I believe that it was only the contractions that she was imagining, not the entire pregnancy. I’m going to ask her to guest Blog for you again tomorrow to tell her side of the story.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Watching Nevaeh All Day

Good day to you, dear friends. Well now, after spending yesterday watching over little Nevaeh, I am proud to report that I have successfully transferred guardianship of her back over to her mother, Jessica. Truth be told, I’m not as young as I used to be, and an entire day watching the little one wore me out!

It all started when Jessica, Tricia, and Derek left for the park. Jessica handed me Nevaeh and my paternal instincts kicked in right away. Those instincts told me that sometimes, a difficult youngster requires a woman’s touch. So I brought in the expert: the common-law Mrs. Codger. While she was assessing the situation, I headed over to the hardware store to buy some supplies for my next home “reno”. The clerk tried to sell me on some of that off-the-shelf stuff, but I demanded builder grade paint and countertops, the kind they only sell to the professional builders. Nothing but the best for my home! I told the clerk that I am good friends with a lady contractor, and that’s why it’s OK to sell me the builder grade stuff. The builder grade paint he sold me is the whitest white paint I’ve ever seen! It’s stunning. I also picked up what they call “naughty pine” paneling for my walls because I’ve heard them mention it on the Home and Garden TV Channel.

When I got home, Nevaeh had finally calmed down, so we all ate dinner together as a family (using our family values) and then watched some television until Tricia, Derek, and Jessica got home around 10:15. They said they had a fun time at the park, and that’s just about the time that I gave Nevaeh back to Jessica. I hope Jessica took full responsibility for her for the rest of the evening so that Derek had time to prepare mentally for his first day on the job as the new Secretary of My Home Land’s Security serving in my administration. 

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Kids Just Want To Be Kids

Finest greetings to you this morn. Somehow, you find yourself reading this lifestyle column, From the Desk of The Codger, written exclusively by myself (The Codger). I don’t know if all of you have this button on your computer or not, but it’s for the “^”. I don’t know what that’s called, but I know it’s French. On my computer, it’s on the same button as the number 6. Now I’m not in France, and I don’t see why I would ever need that “^” button, so why do they make it standard equipment? I would much rather have a button for the cent sign. That way I wouldn’t ever have to write all money amounts less than a dollar as “dollar sign, zero, decimal point, amount”…would save a lot of time and megabytes.

 Not to mention all the catalogs I’ve been getting in the mail lately. Catalogs for stores I’ve never even set foot in! It’s ridiculous.

My grandniece Tricia’s friend Jessica has asked me to babysit her baby daughter Nevaeh tomorrow (her name is “heaven” spelt backwards). It’ll be good practice for when Tricia’s baby arrives. Jessica said that she, Tricia, and their babies’ father Derek want to spend the afternoon at the park just being kids and having fun. I told her, I said, “Don’t think twice about it. You kids go out and have fun.” Derek’s job as Secretary of My Home Land’s Security starts on Monday, so I hope he enjoys his last moments of freedom while they last! 

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

McMillan Lost the Election and Derek Was Arrested

Ahoy, dear readers. I apologize for not writing an article for you yesterday. The day started off on a bad note: I bought the local newspaper solely for the purpose of reading about the victory of my favored candidate, Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. I was quite alarmed to find that the newspaper didn’t make a single mention of him!

Undaunted, I took to the Internet for answers. I had to go all the way to the Google Search Engine to get answers! Can you imagine that? But here is the answer I found: McMillan lost the race. However, it was a close race and he received over 40,000 votes (thanks, in no small part I’m sure, to my “advertorial” Blogging efforts. With those kind of numbers, it looks like my whole town voted McMillan!). Next election, he might even run for mayor. Mr. McMillan, should you decide to run for office, you have my vote (again).

But then the news got even worse. My grandniece Tricia called me from her cellular phone saying that the father of her upcoming baby, Derek, was in police custody and needed me to bail him out. Apparently there was a bit of a misunderstanding and a confused woman thought she caught him trying to steal her vehicle. Then the authorities showed up, and they misunderstood the entire situation and placed Derek under arrest. I believe they accused him of being some type of ninja (the dangerous type). Fortunately, he’s back home again now so he can help take care of Tricia, Jessica, and baby Nevaeh. If he had been stuck in jail, he wouldn’t have been able to clean their room today, which I asked him to do. It has become a bit messy.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger