Posts Tagged ‘family’

Happy New Year! The Communists Have Moved In

Good morning, all ye readers. How did you enjoy the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day, or, as I call it, the Other Sweeps Week? Mine was ruined because my son Brian got me a Friendly’s gift certificate. He knows I don’t eat there. I stopped eating there the day they stopped letting me order the chicken meal from the children’s menu. I don’t even care about the price. The thing I like is that they put the chicken cutlets on skewers for you. It’s very attractive that way, and it’s easier to eat. If there was a version of it on the regular menu, I’d be more than happy to order it, but since there’s not, there’s no good reason why my cold, hard greenbacks shouldn’t be good enough to buy it off the children’s menu.

Unfortunately, I’m going to have to keep a lower Internet profile on the Internet. Yesterday I saw a bunch of Commies all go into the house next door. The reason I know they were Commies is that they were all wearing red hats. Sure, they tried to disguise themselves by wearing purple sweaters, but that didn’t fool me. No, sir. And they were all lady Commies, the most sinister kind of all.

I told my grandniece Tricia and her friends to be careful not to talk about our Capitalist system over the Internet, because the Commies have probably bugged our system. Since you’re reading this “lifestyle column”, you might want to take my advice as well. That’s how it all starts: They move in next door innocently enough, and the next thing you know, they’ve started monitoring your phone calls and your Internet blogs. So I’m not going to say anything pro-Capitalist here in this space. But just to be on the safe side, I’m going to be keeping a lower profile until I’m sure they’ve stopped watching us. I wouldn’t be surprised if my son Brian hired them to snoop on me. He probably thought they were regular spies and didn’t even realize they were the Communist kind. The unobservant could easily make that mistake.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

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The Codger Bunks With Hiram And Invents External Combustion Engine

Ahoy, dear readers. I just got in last night, but I didn’t want to write and wake you up because it was late. I had a bit of an emergency last week, which called for emergency measures. You see, and I’ll put this as delicately as possible: The missus was having one of her moods, spreading misery everywhere she went. And since the missus frequents our house, that meant I had to escape the premises as soon as I realized her condition.

So that’s why I decided to bunk with my old pal Hiram’s place. He doesn’t have a bunk bed, but he does have a guest room, which was more than suitable. In my haste to escape my house, I neglected to take my computer, but it did not matter because Hiram doesn’t buy the Internet for his house.

Without the Internet, I wrote all my thoughts down on paper instead. My most impressive accomplishment was inventing the external combustion engine. I made the plans right on a cocktail napkin. I’m sick and tired of every engine being internal combustion. That’s why we need a change, and I came up with the idea, so I don’t want any of you stealing credit for it.

When I thought the coast might be clear, I phoned the missus. I made her assure me that she had our house fumigated before I agreed to come home. She said she did. I did not inquire as to whether they had erected a tent over the house and fumigated it that way or the other way, but I suppose it doesn’t matter as long as it was professionals that did the job.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Reminiscing About My Weekend

Hello again, dear readers. I just got in from my morning walk around the block. I noticed one of my neighbors, “Mrs. D.”,  taking her groceries out of her trunk after returning from the store. I saw she had two bottles of soda in her bag. That woman drinks too much soda. I just saw her buy some last week, and she lives by herself, so it’s not as if she’s sharing it with anyone. You can’t drink too much soda or you’ll get the tooth rot and the diabetes. The next time I see her son visiting, I’m going to pull him aside and tell him to talk to her about it. It’s a sacrifice on my part, but I’ll do it because it’s the neighborly thing to do.

I put up the Christmas lights over the weekend. They’re the new kind on nets. They call them light nets. All you’ve got to do is plug them in and throw them over the bush you want to put lights on. I even put some on my mailbox bee colony.

The other thing I did was to put up the Christmas tannenbaum. Derek did a fine job guarding the property while the door was open (so we could bring the tannenbaum inside), and Tricia was equally magnificent setting the tree in the stand and making sure it was standing straight and tall. Finally, Jessica hoisted baby Nevaeh up to light the star on the top branch. She was too young to be able to do anything, but I flipped the switch when she touched the star. That’s how you make Christmas fun for the younger generation. And we decorated it with real candles, just like they did when they first came out with tannenbaums back in the 1940s.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Tricia’s Mind Almost Tricked Her Into Giving Birth

Hello and ahoy, dear readers. Did you take the time to read my grandson Max’s guest Blog for this here “lifestyle column” yesterday? Well, you should have. He talked all about his art. If he keeps up his pace, he’s going to become the new Jackson Polanski. You know, the one who splattered paint all over the walls and called it art, because it was…regular people just needed to be told it was for them to realize it.

As Max told you, I had to go to the store yesterday morning. I had to pick up some kibble for Hannah Montana, a tube of Dr. Rembrandt’s Tooth Paste, a box of oatmeal, and a few other sundries. Did I tell you that my groatmeal I ordered over the Internet came in the mail the other day? It did. Turns out, it was bird feed. I gave the rest of it to the birds outside, but that left meal without a meal! That’s why I had to pick up the oatmeal. It might be a while before I give groatmeal another try.

Well, no sooner did I walk in the door than I heard my grandniece Tricia making all kinds of a ruckus. Now, I’ve gotten used to Tricia and her friends making noise around the house, but this took the cake! She was screaming that the baby’s coming! When we got her to the clinic, the good doctor told us she was having what are known in medical circles as “Braxton Hicks Contractions” and that she wasn’t really having the baby. It was all in her mind. She must get that from her mother’s side of the family…that mother of hers has always been a touch on the nervous side. After that, I was so relieved that I went to get the car while Tricia finished up with the doctor. I believe that it was only the contractions that she was imagining, not the entire pregnancy. I’m going to ask her to guest Blog for you again tomorrow to tell her side of the story.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Codger Stages an Intervention

Ahoy there, all you readers of this here “lifestyle column”. First on my agenda this morning, I must give my compliments to Nancy Grace for last night’s exceptional program. There were numerous bombshells, and I found it riveting from beginning to end. I’ll be right back “BRB”.

That was my telephone. It was my old pal Bill calling to notify me of the news over in his neck of the woods. He sure had a lot to tell me about today. First, the good news: Billy got himself a good deal on some hard candies at the Dollar General. I hope he got the butterscotches. Those are my favorites. Now, for the bad news: His grandson, Haydon (I’m not sure if that’s how you spell that name), is on drugs. I’m just glad that I don’t ever have to worry about that problem with my grandson Max, my grandniece Tricia, or their friends.

I told Billy that I’d do him a favor and find some good anti-drug intervention videos on the Internet to help poor Haydon kick the habit. I found one that I think is excellent. Very well done. You can really see the way that the speaker, Florrie Fisher, is connecting with the young people in the audience. Haydon had better thank his lucky stars that we have videos like this one that young people like himself can relate to:

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Missus’s Estranged Son’s Visit

Hello, hello again, dear readers. Yesterday evening after dinner, Derek called me on my cellular phone from his post in my front yard to notify me that we had company. I have him permission to let the guest pass (figuring it was a Girl Scout or somesuch selling cookies); it was a decision I would come to regret. I soon came to find out that it was the common-law Mrs. Codger’s estranged son, Brandon.

I’m not going to take all the credit for rescuing the missus from her controlling son’s control, but let’s just say that when she moved in with me, their relationship definitely fell apart.

Well, Brandon got to talking, and soon the conversation got heated:

Brandon: You are unqualified to have power of attorney over my mother (the common-law Mrs. Codger).

The Codger: How dare you speak to me like that. You need to learn to have a lot more respect. That’s no way to speak to someone that’s lived through more than one war!

Brandon: I’m just saying that you’re in no mental position to have power of attorney. You’ve even let a bunch of teenaged vagabonds take over your own house.

The Codger: Get off my property. You’re trespassing. Derek, please show Brandon off my property.

Brandon: You haven’t heard the last of this.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Watching Nevaeh All Day

Good day to you, dear friends. Well now, after spending yesterday watching over little Nevaeh, I am proud to report that I have successfully transferred guardianship of her back over to her mother, Jessica. Truth be told, I’m not as young as I used to be, and an entire day watching the little one wore me out!

It all started when Jessica, Tricia, and Derek left for the park. Jessica handed me Nevaeh and my paternal instincts kicked in right away. Those instincts told me that sometimes, a difficult youngster requires a woman’s touch. So I brought in the expert: the common-law Mrs. Codger. While she was assessing the situation, I headed over to the hardware store to buy some supplies for my next home “reno”. The clerk tried to sell me on some of that off-the-shelf stuff, but I demanded builder grade paint and countertops, the kind they only sell to the professional builders. Nothing but the best for my home! I told the clerk that I am good friends with a lady contractor, and that’s why it’s OK to sell me the builder grade stuff. The builder grade paint he sold me is the whitest white paint I’ve ever seen! It’s stunning. I also picked up what they call “naughty pine” paneling for my walls because I’ve heard them mention it on the Home and Garden TV Channel.

When I got home, Nevaeh had finally calmed down, so we all ate dinner together as a family (using our family values) and then watched some television until Tricia, Derek, and Jessica got home around 10:15. They said they had a fun time at the park, and that’s just about the time that I gave Nevaeh back to Jessica. I hope Jessica took full responsibility for her for the rest of the evening so that Derek had time to prepare mentally for his first day on the job as the new Secretary of My Home Land’s Security serving in my administration. 

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger