Good morning, my grand group of guppies! Welcome back to our daily round table discussion.
UPDATE: I am pleased to report that my dispute with the common-law Mrs. Codger yesterday was a simple misunderstanding. Watching Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis, Jr.’s counseling video together solved all our problems. Afterwards, we laughed and laughed about the childishness of our dispute, particularly my baseless accusations. We then spent a few hours watching videos of Marilyn and Billy singing on YouTube, including our favorite, “You Don’t Have To Be a Star (To Be In My Show)”: The whole time we were laughing and having a wonderful time enjoying each other’s company. Our common-law marriage remains as strong as ever.
NEWSFLASH: The oil spill in the Gulf continues unabated. I’ve heard word (unconfirmed) that British Petroleum is considering a “junk shot”: A shot of junk into the opening of the pipe to clog it up. I’m no engineering expert, but to me, this sounds like a waste of junk that could have, ideally, been recycled.
NEWSFLASH II: I’ve identified a new trend in my neighborhood. I was sitting in my kitchen last night when I heard two loud cars drive down my street, one right after the other. I went out on my porch, and sure enough, two different cars drove by again a few minutes later. They were drag racing down my street, just like the kids used to do when I was their age. What you do is you take an old car, soup up the engine, take out all the unnecessary weight, and that’s how you make a racer. You have to be crafty and use whatever resources are at your disposal. To think that I am lucky enough to be treated to this free display of culture right from my front porch! It almost reminds me of the way people in Mexico gather to watch the matador battle the picador at the big bullfights down there.
Dear readers, though I strive to be a purveyor of uplifting stories and information, I’m afraid I have some bad news to report. I realize that it’s of a sensitive nature, but nowadays, I suppose honesty is the new privacy. Yesterday evening, the common-law Mrs. Codger covertly snuck off to the local Senior Center, which is well known for being a beacon for all sorts of people with, to put it politely, “loose morals”. I tried texting her on her new Jitterbug cellular phone, which I paid for with the booty from my recent Harrah’s trip. Since she did not text me back, I decided to search the neighborhood. I located her automobile outside the Senior Center. Through the front window I spied the missus seated at a table across from a man in a power chair, which was a “Rascal”. Just show me a Rascal driver that isn’t a philanderer! We all know the truth about them. The sight of that Rascal told me all I needed to know. He’s probably a pro when it comes to playing footsie under the table, provided he still has use of his legs (or prosthetic legs, whatever may be the case).
Things went from bad to worse when they passed out the bingo cards. My wife won the first game. Her prize? A beaded necklace. I wasn’t born yesterday…I know what women are expected to do in exchange for beads. Why do you think I never took her to Mardi Gras every year (well, aside from the fact that neither of us speaks French)? I could not bear to watch any more, diverted my eyes, and returned home.
Rather than turning to a physical confidante for advice, as I might have in days of old, I turned to my trusted online video search engine, YouTube. By using the search function, YouTube directed me to a video of some respectable people my own age giving marriage tips: Singers Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis, Jr.
Now they’re the perfect people to listen to because they’ve experienced both sides of the same coin: They’ve been married to each other for over 40 years, but they also successfully divorced the rest of their previous band, the 5th Dimension, in order to record the smash number 1 hit duet “You Don’t Have To Be a Star (To Be In My Show)” without them. Marilyn and Billy recommend that it’s important for you to like the person you’re married to as a friend.
Glad tidings, dear readers. I hope this article finds you well. As part of my “lifestyle column”, I feel as though I have a social obligation to my younger readers to point out members of your generation behaving properly, swimming upstream in a society awash with downstream morals. Clearly, Nancy Grace already gets the job done when it comes to pointing her finger at young people no one should look up to, people like “Tot Mom”, “Church Mom”, and “Joran Van Der Sloot”. Nancy, if you’re reading this, I just want you to say that you’re a wonderful mother to your two beautiful twins. Also, when you unleash the lawyers, Sue Moss needs to be on every night. Her rhymes really get her point across effectively.
Well, I had the pleasure of meeting one of the good young people yesterday evening, a young lady named Jennifer. We actually met electronically, over the phone…a sign of the times, I suppose. I hadn’t been expecting a call, but I was won over quickly, as she articulated clearly and introduced herself immediately, two things that make phone conversations much easier for everyone involved. Jennifer asked me a series of fascinating questions about my political views, and she listened thoughtfully as I gave my answers. I’m not sure exactly how she got my phone number or knew that I have an interest in politics, though I’ve got a hunch it was due to my reputation in the community for staying up to date with news and current events. The conversation never had a chance to grow dull; as soon as I finished talking about one subject, Jennifer had another question she was dying to ask me. At the end, she thanked me for my time. I was so impressed with her demeanor that I forgot to ask for her phone number or E-mail address, though I’m sure she’ll call again soon the next time she feels like discussing news and politics.
I saw a TV program about removing dams on TV a few days ago, and I’ve been researching the subject heavily on the Wikipedia encyclopedia. Dam removal helps fish swim upstream to spawn (an essential process). The Pacific NW is an area in need of assistance, as my research has found that androgynous fish like salmon and Steelhead have proven unwilling or unable to climb fish ladders to get over the dams. We need to send a strong message and take out the big dog first: The Grand Coulee Dam, the largest concrete structure in the States (and thus, by logic, the biggest obstacle to fish migration). Beautiful, isn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s also preventing fish from spawning, so it has to go. Some might miss it when it’s gone, but if we can get them to remove that dam, we can get rid of any dam, leaving the fish free to spawn. We have two options: We can either do it now or let erosion take its natural course.
Aloha, dear readers (meaning “hello”, not “goodbye”). Well now, I can’t claim to speak for all of you, but as for myself, I was up with the sun this beautiful morning. I got busy right away, taking a few hours to sit on my porch and listen to the melodious sounds of the warblers at my bird feeder. Not wanting to lose any momentum, I next took some time to listen to my police scanner to get a handle on the day’s top stories. The big one today was that there was an automobile accident in front of the Shell, and I’ll just bet that it was because of that ridiculous construction zone they have going on over there. I do my best to avoid it at all costs, and I really can’t blame somebody for getting confused by the whole thing and going into the wrong lane. It’s a complete mess. What they should do is detour everybody behind the Shell. That would take care of the whole problem. Of course, the people that live in those huge new houses back there would complain, so that’s not going to happen any time soon.
Afterwards, I decided to enjoy the weather and take a walk. This is around 8:20 or so. Mrs. Platt down the street was having a yard sale, so I stopped to take a look. She’s a nice lady. I don’t know what she does, but her husband sells insurance, and they send their kids to Catholic school. Now I believe the other lady there was her sister, but don’t hold me to that, because I could be wrong. The sister was selling her old juicer. If you’ll remember, I’ve been considering purchasing the Montel Williams/Sylvia Browne juicer off the TV; this was a different brand, but the sister was selling it for only ten dollars. Ten dollars! And it was barely used! That would be a bargain at twice the price, so I made the purchase.
Arriving home, I thought that a freshly juiced beverage would lift my spirits after my disappointment with my homemade Japanese rice wine yesterday. It was still morning, so I thought I’d go with a morning drink and concoct my own interpretation of a personal favorite: Clamato®. I started by juicing some cherry tomatoes and then juiced some canned clams. If you’re going to try this yourself, be sure to do it outdoors, since the smell can be overwhelming. When I stirred it all together, it was on the watery side, so I stirred in some ketchup (for thickness) and some bottled Clamato® (for flavor) and sent the whole thing through the juicer again. It was nothing like commercially available Clamato®. Nothing like it. It certainly took some getting used to, but it’s true what I say: There’s nothing like a glass of freshly juiced Clamato® to open up your sinuses and prime your stomach. I think this recipe will knock the judges off their feet at the county fair this summer.
From the desk of The Codger 