Curb Appeal: Codger Edition


A fine morning to you, fine readers. As they say in real estate circles, “location is everything”. That’s why it’s so important for your neighborhood to look as nice as it can. All it takes is one unattractive house to spoil an entire neighborhood. They have no right to bring down my property value! No right! One solution to this problem is to get that TV program called Curb Appeal: The Block to come to your neighborhood. They’ll renovate one main house for $20,000 and some neighboring houses for around $1,000…let’s just say that my house wouldn’t be the one that needs the $20,000 make-over and leave it at that. The idea is that the rest of the neighborhood will then feel compelled to “keep up with the Joneses” and try to out-renovate each other, creating a beautiful, peaceful community with sky-high property values.

Since I haven’t heard back from the producers of Curb Appeal: The Block yet, I decided to do the next big thing: I put notes on everyone’s doors instructing them what to do to get our property values up. That’s sure to boost morale. One thing I put on everyone’s list was telling them to install a mailbox beehive like mine. One is good, but a whole street full of them is even better. Just think of the pollination. It would probably be some kind of record. I also gave advice tailored to each neighbor specifically: Mr. “H” could stand to plant some flowers in his window boxes, and Mr. and Mrs. “P” should trim the shrubs growing under their bay window. I am sure it wouldn’t cost very much to hire someone.

I also told Mr. and Mrs. “S.” to paint their shutters and Mr. and Mrs. “B.” to tear down their front porch before it rots off. I’m sick and tired of having to look at that front porch day after day. They also need to add a second story to their house so it matches their next door neighbors’ house, but I can’t see them getting around to that in my lifetime. And that’s how you can re-energize your neighborhood and keep it looking ship-shape. I can practically feel my own neighborhood’s spirit rising already.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

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7 responses to this post.

  1. Good morning, sir! I was about to comment on your item about Kenny Rogers when I saw that you’d posted something new. It sounds like you’ve taken the initiative and become your neighborhood’s neighborhood association. I think that’s great! Some folks pay a lot of money in fees every year to live in a neighborhood where someone will send them letters with ideas of how to fix up their homes, so it’s wonderful that you’re providing this valuable service to your neighbors absolutely free of charge. Too often, we don’t really notice when our houses fall into disrepair, because it happens so slowly. If you don’t hear from Curb Appeal: The Block, maybe you can use your clout as head of the neighborhood association to work out some kind of neighborhood discount on paint and lumber and plants at The Home Depot?

    Please keep writing your blog, because I always enjoy reading it!

    http://culturemonkey.wordpress.com

    Reply

    • Good evening, Blogger Monkey,

      I appreciate your complimentary words. Yes, it’s true, my neighborhood has no official “neighborhood association” (although it has a completely corrupt Block Watch committee), so I am more than happy to step into that role, provided that my neighbors regard my authority as omnipotent. I don’t want this block turning into another Three Mile Island, I’ll tell you that!

      Best,
      The Codger

      Reply

  2. Posted by Charlie on August 16, 2010 at 9:30 am

    Good morning, fellow. It’s admirable that you’re correcting your neighbors’ mistakes. That said, you’ve already invested in a reverse mortgage, so I wouldn’t worry too much about a small increase in property values. Despite Brian’s best efforts, he and his family will be quite comfortable one day thanks to you, regardless of what your disgraceful neighbors do.

    God be with you,
    Charlie

    Reply

    • A good evening to you, Mr. Charlie,

      Don’t you worry–I am not fretting over increased property values. In fact, I consider them a mark of prestige for the neighborhood. As someone who has lived here for several decades, I am in a position to know what is best for this community…I expect they will honor my memory one day with a memorial statue, hopefully while I’m still alive to appreciate it! I’ve made it abundantly clear to Brian that he’d better watch his act, because I’m more than happy to write him out of my will (that’s why I went with a “living will”, so that it can live and grow as my whims and needs do).

      Peace be with you,
      The Codger

      Reply

  3. […] About « Curb Appeal: Codger Edition […]

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  4. […] anything too suspicious. I also kept an eye open to see if any of my neighbors had begun making the home improvements I recently suggested they make. I didn’t see anything yet, so perhaps I need to set a stronger example. That’s why I’ve […]

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