Posts Tagged ‘m-fixie’

Exemplary Codgers: Patsy Campbell

Hello and ahoy again, all of you who ready this “lifestyle column”. As I was out last week, I let my E-mail get backed up…why, there must have been over a dozen unread E-mails in there! So I spent all day yesterday reading them and getting caught up. One of the best ones came from my grandson Max. He sent me a fantastic Yahoo article: http://finance.yahoo.com/loans/article/111500/the-25-year-foreclosure-from-hell and it gave me the inspiration for this week’s Exemplary Codger: None other than 71 year old Ms. Patsy Campbell.

As Max’s article describes, the government has been trying to kick poor Ms. Campbell out of her house for the past 25 years using a legal loophole called “foreclosure”. I would imagine some of you are familiar with it, particularly those amongst you who don’t manage your finances well. Well, Ms. Campbell has been maintaining her house for 25 years, putting in a watchdog, boarding up all the windows to keep out the storms, and doing all those things that good homeowners in subtropical climates do for the past two and a half decades. That’s because she lives in Florida. And her husband wanted her to have that home when he died, not the government. But as Ms. Campbell says herself, “If they had a case, they would have already won it, years ago”.

Because of all they’ve put her through, this foreclosure truly has become “the foreclosure from hell” for Ms. Campbell. I would’ve stopped making payments years ago, too! But she keeps her spirits high: “They’re not going to take this house. I intend to stay in this house and maintain it as my residence until I die.” Her neighbors should be ashamed of themselves, not pitching in and helping her keep those lawyers off her property! Ms. Campbell, if you’re reading this, I think getting a reverse mortgage (just as I did) might be the answer to your problems! That maneuver would really confuse those lawyers! They’d probably have no idea how to proceed.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Tricia’s Mind Almost Tricked Her Into Giving Birth

Hello and ahoy, dear readers. Did you take the time to read my grandson Max’s guest Blog for this here “lifestyle column” yesterday? Well, you should have. He talked all about his art. If he keeps up his pace, he’s going to become the new Jackson Polanski. You know, the one who splattered paint all over the walls and called it art, because it was…regular people just needed to be told it was for them to realize it.

As Max told you, I had to go to the store yesterday morning. I had to pick up some kibble for Hannah Montana, a tube of Dr. Rembrandt’s Tooth Paste, a box of oatmeal, and a few other sundries. Did I tell you that my groatmeal I ordered over the Internet came in the mail the other day? It did. Turns out, it was bird feed. I gave the rest of it to the birds outside, but that left meal without a meal! That’s why I had to pick up the oatmeal. It might be a while before I give groatmeal another try.

Well, no sooner did I walk in the door than I heard my grandniece Tricia making all kinds of a ruckus. Now, I’ve gotten used to Tricia and her friends making noise around the house, but this took the cake! She was screaming that the baby’s coming! When we got her to the clinic, the good doctor told us she was having what are known in medical circles as “Braxton Hicks Contractions” and that she wasn’t really having the baby. It was all in her mind. She must get that from her mother’s side of the family…that mother of hers has always been a touch on the nervous side. After that, I was so relieved that I went to get the car while Tricia finished up with the doctor. I believe that it was only the contractions that she was imagining, not the entire pregnancy. I’m going to ask her to guest Blog for you again tomorrow to tell her side of the story.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

xx the morning after xx w/ m-fixie

Hey dudes, chillax, M-Fixie’s herre for you. My grandpa called me yesterday and said he wanted to go to the store this morning, and he didn’t think he’ll have enough time to crank out a blog post on top of that. He asked if I would guest blog so I said sure. I can’t believe my grandpa’s stuck to blogging for this long. I guess some people just find their true callings l8r in life. WTG, grandpa!

Now I know you’ve all been asking what’s going down w/ me. I’m just letting it all happen, yo. Living! Just living! Living life! It’s amazing. Always remember that life is amazing. Sometimes you just gotta step back, take a shot of tequila, take a deep breath, smoke a blunt, and open your eyes. Me and CJ got a loft together, it’s tight. We got this huge ass poker table off Craigslist and that makes it feel like a true Man Cave. CJ got the awesome idea that we should do a performance art piece together so that’s what we’re working on now. It’s a commentary about the state of being a young man in modern society and how hard it is. The only thing is there’s a little artistic nudity in it, but def nothing worse than you see in softcore. Those c@cktease girls who live upstairs are exactly the kind of people who need to see our performance art, but they would probably never get it. CJ’s cousin works at a gallery and they might let us do our performance there when we’ve got it ready, prob not for a couple weeks. Pax out,

Xx m-fiXie xX

There’s Nothing Like a Big Bowl of Piping Hot Groatmeal

Good morning, dear readers. Thank you for taking the time to spend some time with this round table discussion “lifestyle column” this morning. Did you get a load of my grandson Max’s ghost writing yesterday? It was dynamite! Now that’s some real talent there! I felt like I was reading a spooky Hallowe’en article written by myself, not by a ghost writer at all.

The next time your missus offers to make you a full breakfast, be sure you show her this Blog first: Health Food Made Easy. It’ll tell her everything she needs to know about the different kinds of oatmeal (that is, if she doesn’t buy you Dino Egg Oatmeal). Now that that blogger brought up the difference between the original Irish Oatmeal and those commonplace “Scottish Oats”, I’m convinced that the common-law Mrs. Codger doesn’t understand the difference (and thus, may be depriving me of some nutritional value). I’ll take the real Irish Oatmeal, thank you very much. The missus probably just saw “Scottish” in the name and bought it because she thought it was cheap.

Or better yet, I might go ahead and order up some whole oat “groats”. They say they’re more nutritional than even the Irish Oatmeal. It sounds like they’re hard to find, but thankfully, we have the internet. The Amazon bloggers are selling a canister with a special “Health Blend” of oats and groats, and it has an absolutely beautiful parakeet on the packaging:

I hope it gets here soon so I can turn to the missus and have her get me a nice big bowl of piping hot groatmeal.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Ghost Writing for Halloween

A jolly good morning to you, ladies and germs! I am most pleased to have such an attentive audience this morning. You are attentive, right? You’d better be. You’re not going to get anywhere in life with a poor attitude. That’s the real world. That’s how it is. You should be more like my grandson M-Fixie, who is, to put it simply, awesome.

I remember when every commercial used to have a Moby song in it. There were more Moby songs in commercials than you could shake a stick at, young’n. Those were the good old days back in ’99. Well happy days are here again, because they made another one, and it’s a doozey! It even has Moby Dick in it! Makes me want to get up and dance the Charleston. I will have to consider the purchase of the AT&T BlackBerry Torch.

It’s Halloween today. I know my neighborhood and the names of the people that live in, so I made a checklist of all the children and check them off when they come trick or treating at my house. I’m not going to waste my hard earned money on carpetbaggers who come in from the next town over to get their hands on our sweets. And if I see anybody vandalizing my house, I’m not afraid to do a little kung fu citizens arrest on them.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger*

*(today’s lifestyle column was ghost written by m-fixie. Peace out)

My Grandson Max Will Be “Ghost Writing” For Me Tomorrow

Greetings, dear readers. I have some spooky news to share with you on this All Hallows’ Eve eve. I have asked my grandson Max (who I am sure you all remember by his Internet “handle”, M-Fixie, because he is a fixed-gear bicycle enthusiast) to “ghost write” tomorrow’s Hallowe’en column for me. Spooky, no? But don’t let the ghostly happenings frighten you too much: Remember that I am not really a ghost, and that it is just Max writing as if he is writing for me after I have passed.

 Oh my…I had intended to write more exhaustively today, but my Welsh corgi, Hannah Montana, is barking at the door. Usually when she does that, she has to go do her business, although sometimes she only wants to fraternize with a squirrel or somesuch. But I don’t intend on taking any chances. I don’t feel like spending the rest of the day cleaning up after she has an accident, and I do not intend on giving out my home address over the Internet for any of you to come and help me clean up.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

I Am Not Allowed to Tell You Who to Vote For, So I’m Just Going to Tell You to Vote

A very pleasant Monday to you, dear readers. I am positively wrapped with guilt for not being with you this weekend. You see, me and the missus decided to take a romantic spur-of-the-moment “staycation” (buzzword) to Atlantic City just like we used to do. In case you were wondering, I lost. And to add insult to injury, when we got back, I fired up my computer only to find that there was something wrong with it: There was a message on the screen telling me that I had to restart even though I’d just turned it on. I didn’t like the sounds of that…that’s exactly the kind of thing the dreaded “computer virus” would tell you to do, so I called my grandson Max and he came over to fix it. While I was away, a major news story broke and I wanted to make sure that you were aware of it. That is my duty as a professional, impartial journalist. New York State gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party is the story:

At first, I was saddened that such a quintessential codger had made such an impact on news and politics. Here was a codger that, by some accounts, was superior to myself. I thought to myself, “How can I carry on?” But then I remembered that all we codgers are in this game together. A vote for Jimmy McMillan is a vote for me, The Codger. So remember to vote for Jimmy McMillan this election, even if you have to write his name in on the ballot. I’m going to change my party affiliation to the Rent Is Too Damn High Party, but I’m going to wait until after the election so there’s no confusion with my registration. You are allowed to vote for people who aren’t in your registered party, you know.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger