Posts Tagged ‘hiram’

The Codger Bunks With Hiram And Invents External Combustion Engine

Ahoy, dear readers. I just got in last night, but I didn’t want to write and wake you up because it was late. I had a bit of an emergency last week, which called for emergency measures. You see, and I’ll put this as delicately as possible: The missus was having one of her moods, spreading misery everywhere she went. And since the missus frequents our house, that meant I had to escape the premises as soon as I realized her condition.

So that’s why I decided to bunk with my old pal Hiram’s place. He doesn’t have a bunk bed, but he does have a guest room, which was more than suitable. In my haste to escape my house, I neglected to take my computer, but it did not matter because Hiram doesn’t buy the Internet for his house.

Without the Internet, I wrote all my thoughts down on paper instead. My most impressive accomplishment was inventing the external combustion engine. I made the plans right on a cocktail napkin. I’m sick and tired of every engine being internal combustion. That’s why we need a change, and I came up with the idea, so I don’t want any of you stealing credit for it.

When I thought the coast might be clear, I phoned the missus. I made her assure me that she had our house fumigated before I agreed to come home. She said she did. I did not inquire as to whether they had erected a tent over the house and fumigated it that way or the other way, but I suppose it doesn’t matter as long as it was professionals that did the job.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

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The President Should Have to Wait Until He’s 65 to Use Social Security

Hello again, dear readers. It’s almost the weekend, you know. What plans do you have for your weekend? I still haven’t heard back from Hollywood about my screenplay, and I am starting to get concerned. Maybe it got lost in the mail, or maybe my postman deliberately withheld my envelopes from proceeding along in the mailing process. I wouldn’t put it past him. That’s why I’m going to go to the post office building tomorrow morning (it’s open on Saturdays until noon) and send them certified. And then I’m going to stop off at the grocery store and pick up some baking soda.

My old pal Hiram stopped by my house last night in his new Chrysler Sebring. That car is still a beauty! It’s not actually new, but you’d have no way of knowing unless he told you. Well, we got to talking, and Hiram told me that the President is planning a vacation to India and he’s going to bring along more than half of the U. S. naval flotilla and he booked the entire Taj Mahal for all of his flunkies. Well you don’t need me to tell you that those things don’t come for free! That funding has to come from somewhere, and my money is on Social Security, where most of the big money in Washington is.

I am outraged. The President is too young to get Social Security to pay for this trip. He should have to wait until he’s 65 just like the rest of us. It’s ludicrous! Why isn’t the mainstream media reporting on this story? Why did I have to hear about it from Hiram? Maybe the media should hire Hiram to get the scoop. “Scoop Hiram” has a nice ring to it. I would be more than happy to offer him some space in this “lifestyle column”, but he doesn’t know how to type. Me, I learned that back when I used to work in the business.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

A Short Night of Bridge

I hope you are having a good morning, dear readers. Like I was explaining to you yesterday, I was baking a cake and going over to my buddy Hiram’s for bridge. Well, as dedicated reader of this “lifestyle column” Alter Ebro had predicted, there was an error in the recipe I was using for the cake. You see, I got the recipe over the phone, and the missus said “marjoram” when she meant to say “margarine”. The more I think about it, the surer I am: She definitely said “marjoram” and it wasn’t a hearing lapse on my part. Anyhow, the cake turned out inedible, so we had to stop and pick up an Entenmann’s on the way to Hiram’s. I selected the “Louisiana Crunch” flavor, which seemed most similar to my own cake (minus the marjoram).  

By the time we got there, I was really itching to play some bridge. We paired off stags versus hens and dealt the cards. Now for those of you who don’t know how to play bridge, I won’t go into the full set of rules here, but let it be known that you don’t want to open up the bidding on a lousy card. But that’s exactly what my missus did. I knew right then and there that she was going to be what’s known in the world of bridge as the “dummy” in the game.

Luckily for her, Hiram’s wife Dot’s angina flared up so we had to call the game off. If we hadn’t, me and Hiram would’ve taken them for all they were worth. And, wouldn’t you know it, by the time we got home, Hiram had left a message on my answering machine saying that Dot had just had a bout of acid indigestion, and it wasn’t her angina after all.

Until next time!                                                         

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Codger Is Busy Making a Cake

Howdy there, readers. I hope you enjoyed your Sunday and took the time to read my grandson Max’s guest article yesterday. From the sounds of it, Max is having the time of his life out there in California. It’s been a few years since I’ve been out that way myself, so it’s a blessing to read a true first-hand account of what it’s like out there with all those assorted farmers, prospectors, and Hollywood-types. I generally don’t have too much of a problem with the movie stars, but those directors and producers are always dreaming up all kinds of crazy ideas for movies that just don’t need to be made.

My old buddy Hiram invited me and the common-law Mrs. Codger over to his house for bridge tonight. I expect to have a good time. We used to have a regular bridge night. It was Thursday nights. Then we changed it to Tuesday nights because my missus started going to her fitness class on Thursday nights. But then Hiram’s wife Dot’s health was always up and down and she couldn’t play, so we didn’t have bridge nights for quite a while. But Hiram said that Dot is feeling well enough, so we’re going over to their place tonight.

The thing about going to Hiram’s is that Dot can’t cook because her doctor won’t let her stand for extended periods—makes standing over a stove hard for her. And Hiram himself couldn’t cook to save his life. Anyone can tell you that! Well, so I don’t go hungry over there tonight, I’m going to make a cake to take along. I just called the missus at work and she gave me the recipe over the phone. It looks like I have all the ingredients necessary: eggs, flower, sugar, marjoram, milk, baking powder, and extract of vanilla. I’m going to start baking it now, so you had better not expect me to write back to your commentary until I’m finished.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Hiram Gets a New Car; I Prepare for My 100th Anniversary

I bid you a wonderful day, loyal readers. I was pleasantly surprised yesterday evening when my old buddy Hiram dropped by (dropped by my house, not my “lifestyle column”, since he’s not on the Internet yet). Nine times out of ten he calls first, but yesterday I heard a honk from in front of my house. I figured it was just Derek and his friends racing their cars down my street, but it’s a good thing I went to investigate, because it was my buddy Hiram.

He was sitting behind the wheel of a beautiful, brand new silver Sebring, or what I thought was a brand new Sebring. It turned out that it was a 2002, but you would have no idea because it is in pristine condition. Immaculate, and loaded up with all the power options: power locks, power windows, power brakes, the works. The previous owner had really taken fantastic care of that car. Hiram said that he had just gotten a great deal on it, and he wanted to take me out for a drink to celebrate. So off we went to that bar across from the gymnasium. I had always avoided that bar because it looks like the kind of place that only carries that cheapo brand, Well gin, but surprisingly, they had the good stuff.

In case you haven’t been keeping track, tomorrow is the 100th anniversary of this here “lifestyle column” (From the desk of The Codger): It will be my 100th article I’ve blogged on the Internet. Join me, The Codger, for a very special column in recognition of my tremendous achievements here tomorrow at https://thecodger.wordpress.com/.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Who Should Replace Larry King?


A fine Monday to you, my audience. I’ve heard word that Larry King will be leaving his talk show in short order, so I thought we should spend some time today talking about it. While I don’t know that I’d go so far as to call Larry King a codger “per say”—I’ve always considered him more of benign curmudgeon myself–I can’t say I’m happy to see another senior citizen’s program go off the air, especially when he still seems lucid most of the time. That’s more than can be said for many other seniors.

What really ruffles my feathers is that it looks like the CNN network will be replacing Larry King with someone younger. At the moment, the frontrunner jockeying for the position is Piers Morgan, a Brit. Being unfamiliar with him, I can’t offer my opinion except to say that he may not have the necessary level of maturity for the anchor chair due to his lack of age. If I were in charge at the CNN network, I would keep looking for some other candidates.

If they’re looking for somebody younger-looking but who is secretly a senior citizen, Joan Rivers would be a fine choice. You young people reading this probably don’t realize it, but Joan Rivers is, in fact, over age 40. I’d say she’s probably pushing 65 by now, considering I’ve been watching her on the TV for a good 30 years already. Another person I would consider is my pal Hiram. He used to host an A. M. radio program after the war. He doesn’t talk about it much, so I think he must’ve been a forerunner of what have come to be known as “shock jocks”. Hiram doesn’t have an agent, but if they advertise the opening in the newspaper classifieds, he can phone them himself. Just because he’s older doesn’t mean that he can’t make a few phone calls without an agent’s help.

But if they insist on going with a younger host, I would nominate that lady Flo from the insurance commercials. I like the way she talks to people. She is very nice, and also helpful. Had I known she works in that industry, I would have bought my reverse mortgage from her. That’s how good she is, and she would be just as good as a talk show host. Here, see for yourself:

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

My Buddy Hiram’s Visit


Hello to you, my fine readers. I trust that you’re doing well. I had my old buddy Hiram over last night. The common-law Mrs. Codger insisted on going to that blasted senior center again and Tricia went out with her group of friends. I didn’t want to sit at home by myself all evening, so I gave Hiram a call and he came over. His wife’s a nice lady, but she gets bad angina and retains a lot of water, so she doesn’t get out much. But Hiram’s a real firecracker, as sharp as the day I met him over 40 years ago.

We decided to sit out on the porch and we wanted something cold to drink on account of the humidity. I made us some old fashioneds in my new juicer, and then we got to sitting. Hiram loves to complain about Medicare, but I always get him good: I ask him, I say, “If it’s so bad, why don’t you just cancel your Medicare?” That really gets him fired up good! You should see him!

Around 7:30, we went in to get ready to watch Nancy Grace’s program. Hiram was just clicking around the TV and that commercial came on for Electrolux, the one that uses the song from Bewitched. Whenever I hear that music, I don’t know if I’m going to be watching Bewitched or if it’s Kelly Ripa trying to sell me a refrigerator.

This ad could be confusing to older seniors, especially because Kelly Ripa is the spitting image of Elizabeth Montgomery and the storyline is more or less the same. I told Hiram to make sure his wife doesn’t fall for it! Boy did he get fired up!

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger