Posts Tagged ‘derek’

Reminiscing About My Weekend

Hello again, dear readers. I just got in from my morning walk around the block. I noticed one of my neighbors, “Mrs. D.”,  taking her groceries out of her trunk after returning from the store. I saw she had two bottles of soda in her bag. That woman drinks too much soda. I just saw her buy some last week, and she lives by herself, so it’s not as if she’s sharing it with anyone. You can’t drink too much soda or you’ll get the tooth rot and the diabetes. The next time I see her son visiting, I’m going to pull him aside and tell him to talk to her about it. It’s a sacrifice on my part, but I’ll do it because it’s the neighborly thing to do.

I put up the Christmas lights over the weekend. They’re the new kind on nets. They call them light nets. All you’ve got to do is plug them in and throw them over the bush you want to put lights on. I even put some on my mailbox bee colony.

The other thing I did was to put up the Christmas tannenbaum. Derek did a fine job guarding the property while the door was open (so we could bring the tannenbaum inside), and Tricia was equally magnificent setting the tree in the stand and making sure it was standing straight and tall. Finally, Jessica hoisted baby Nevaeh up to light the star on the top branch. She was too young to be able to do anything, but I flipped the switch when she touched the star. That’s how you make Christmas fun for the younger generation. And we decorated it with real candles, just like they did when they first came out with tannenbaums back in the 1940s.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

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The Missus’s Estranged Son’s Visit

Hello, hello again, dear readers. Yesterday evening after dinner, Derek called me on my cellular phone from his post in my front yard to notify me that we had company. I have him permission to let the guest pass (figuring it was a Girl Scout or somesuch selling cookies); it was a decision I would come to regret. I soon came to find out that it was the common-law Mrs. Codger’s estranged son, Brandon.

I’m not going to take all the credit for rescuing the missus from her controlling son’s control, but let’s just say that when she moved in with me, their relationship definitely fell apart.

Well, Brandon got to talking, and soon the conversation got heated:

Brandon: You are unqualified to have power of attorney over my mother (the common-law Mrs. Codger).

The Codger: How dare you speak to me like that. You need to learn to have a lot more respect. That’s no way to speak to someone that’s lived through more than one war!

Brandon: I’m just saying that you’re in no mental position to have power of attorney. You’ve even let a bunch of teenaged vagabonds take over your own house.

The Codger: Get off my property. You’re trespassing. Derek, please show Brandon off my property.

Brandon: You haven’t heard the last of this.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Watching Nevaeh All Day

Good day to you, dear friends. Well now, after spending yesterday watching over little Nevaeh, I am proud to report that I have successfully transferred guardianship of her back over to her mother, Jessica. Truth be told, I’m not as young as I used to be, and an entire day watching the little one wore me out!

It all started when Jessica, Tricia, and Derek left for the park. Jessica handed me Nevaeh and my paternal instincts kicked in right away. Those instincts told me that sometimes, a difficult youngster requires a woman’s touch. So I brought in the expert: the common-law Mrs. Codger. While she was assessing the situation, I headed over to the hardware store to buy some supplies for my next home “reno”. The clerk tried to sell me on some of that off-the-shelf stuff, but I demanded builder grade paint and countertops, the kind they only sell to the professional builders. Nothing but the best for my home! I told the clerk that I am good friends with a lady contractor, and that’s why it’s OK to sell me the builder grade stuff. The builder grade paint he sold me is the whitest white paint I’ve ever seen! It’s stunning. I also picked up what they call “naughty pine” paneling for my walls because I’ve heard them mention it on the Home and Garden TV Channel.

When I got home, Nevaeh had finally calmed down, so we all ate dinner together as a family (using our family values) and then watched some television until Tricia, Derek, and Jessica got home around 10:15. They said they had a fun time at the park, and that’s just about the time that I gave Nevaeh back to Jessica. I hope Jessica took full responsibility for her for the rest of the evening so that Derek had time to prepare mentally for his first day on the job as the new Secretary of My Home Land’s Security serving in my administration. 

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Kids Just Want To Be Kids

Finest greetings to you this morn. Somehow, you find yourself reading this lifestyle column, From the Desk of The Codger, written exclusively by myself (The Codger). I don’t know if all of you have this button on your computer or not, but it’s for the “^”. I don’t know what that’s called, but I know it’s French. On my computer, it’s on the same button as the number 6. Now I’m not in France, and I don’t see why I would ever need that “^” button, so why do they make it standard equipment? I would much rather have a button for the cent sign. That way I wouldn’t ever have to write all money amounts less than a dollar as “dollar sign, zero, decimal point, amount”…would save a lot of time and megabytes.

 Not to mention all the catalogs I’ve been getting in the mail lately. Catalogs for stores I’ve never even set foot in! It’s ridiculous.

My grandniece Tricia’s friend Jessica has asked me to babysit her baby daughter Nevaeh tomorrow (her name is “heaven” spelt backwards). It’ll be good practice for when Tricia’s baby arrives. Jessica said that she, Tricia, and their babies’ father Derek want to spend the afternoon at the park just being kids and having fun. I told her, I said, “Don’t think twice about it. You kids go out and have fun.” Derek’s job as Secretary of My Home Land’s Security starts on Monday, so I hope he enjoys his last moments of freedom while they last! 

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

McMillan Lost the Election and Derek Was Arrested

Ahoy, dear readers. I apologize for not writing an article for you yesterday. The day started off on a bad note: I bought the local newspaper solely for the purpose of reading about the victory of my favored candidate, Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. I was quite alarmed to find that the newspaper didn’t make a single mention of him!

Undaunted, I took to the Internet for answers. I had to go all the way to the Google Search Engine to get answers! Can you imagine that? But here is the answer I found: McMillan lost the race. However, it was a close race and he received over 40,000 votes (thanks, in no small part I’m sure, to my “advertorial” Blogging efforts. With those kind of numbers, it looks like my whole town voted McMillan!). Next election, he might even run for mayor. Mr. McMillan, should you decide to run for office, you have my vote (again).

But then the news got even worse. My grandniece Tricia called me from her cellular phone saying that the father of her upcoming baby, Derek, was in police custody and needed me to bail him out. Apparently there was a bit of a misunderstanding and a confused woman thought she caught him trying to steal her vehicle. Then the authorities showed up, and they misunderstood the entire situation and placed Derek under arrest. I believe they accused him of being some type of ninja (the dangerous type). Fortunately, he’s back home again now so he can help take care of Tricia, Jessica, and baby Nevaeh. If he had been stuck in jail, he wouldn’t have been able to clean their room today, which I asked him to do. It has become a bit messy.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

A Magnificent Quote I Can’t Quite Place

Ahoy! Happy days are here again! As he wrote yesterday, my grandson Max is on his way back home from California. It’s just such a shame that that millionaire threatened to put a damper on the end of Max’s trip. But now that Max has that experience working as a pool boy under his belt, I see no reason why he shouldn’t be able to find a job doing that back here with a more reputable employer. Of course, he’ll keep selling all of his hand-blown glass pipes and bric-a-brac as well, as the arts are his true calling in life. Everyone who’s seen his work knows that’s the truth, as plain as the nose on your face. I’m going to recommend  to my grandniece Tricia’s beau, Derek, that he buy one of Max’s pipes so he doesn’t accidentally set my house on fire making those homemade cigarettes he’s taken to smoking the way he set my trailer on fire.

There’s such a nice quote that’s taken up residence in my head, but I can’t quite place it. It goes something like, “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need”. I think it’s from a Christmas card I received a few years back, but I’ve been looking through my old Christmas cards and can’t find it anywhere.

That sounds like the kind of card my old chum Alva would’ve sent. He always sent that type of card that had a nice message printed inside. I would call him to see if he remembered, but he passed some years ago. Maybe my son Brian was right when he insinuated that I was losing my memory. I just can’t place that quote, but its author should be quite proud of himself.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

A Leak in my Pop Up Trailer

Nice to see you this morning (this statement applies to most of you). I must say, I’ve been on Cloud Nine the past few days having my grandniece Tricia living here again, along with her friends. And to think that it will only get better once Tricia and Derek’s baby arrives. I’m going to go down to the dollar store later today to start amassing a talcum powder hoard for the big arrival. Babies need a lot of talcum powder.

As you would know if you stuck your head outdoors or toward your computer (Weather Bug) yesterday, it was raining. At times, it was positively teeming (that’s what they call it when it’s raining hard). Tricia came in the house saying that their pop up trailer was leaking. I went outside to make repairs and found quite a sizeable hole in the roof. It turns out that while they had the trailer in Kansas, Derek had taken up a new hobby: He rolls his own homemade cigarettes and smokes them. Well, apparently he had a little accident and set the drapes on fire, which burned all the way up to the roof and made the hole.

How would Tricia be able to concentrate on her studies if there’s a hole in the roof letting water in every time it teems? She wouldn’t be, pure and simple as that. So I asked Tricia and Derek, Jessica, and Nevaeh to move into my house. That’s what the guest room is for. No one was using it anyway, so it was just going to waste. I just hope they’ll be comfortable. Those kids deserve nothing but the best, unlike so many young people these days who are more concerned with causing problems than solving them.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger