Posts Tagged ‘buzzwords’

I Am Not Allowed to Tell You Who to Vote For, So I’m Just Going to Tell You to Vote

A very pleasant Monday to you, dear readers. I am positively wrapped with guilt for not being with you this weekend. You see, me and the missus decided to take a romantic spur-of-the-moment “staycation” (buzzword) to Atlantic City just like we used to do. In case you were wondering, I lost. And to add insult to injury, when we got back, I fired up my computer only to find that there was something wrong with it: There was a message on the screen telling me that I had to restart even though I’d just turned it on. I didn’t like the sounds of that…that’s exactly the kind of thing the dreaded “computer virus” would tell you to do, so I called my grandson Max and he came over to fix it. While I was away, a major news story broke and I wanted to make sure that you were aware of it. That is my duty as a professional, impartial journalist. New York State gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party is the story:

At first, I was saddened that such a quintessential codger had made such an impact on news and politics. Here was a codger that, by some accounts, was superior to myself. I thought to myself, “How can I carry on?” But then I remembered that all we codgers are in this game together. A vote for Jimmy McMillan is a vote for me, The Codger. So remember to vote for Jimmy McMillan this election, even if you have to write his name in on the ballot. I’m going to change my party affiliation to the Rent Is Too Damn High Party, but I’m going to wait until after the election so there’s no confusion with my registration. You are allowed to vote for people who aren’t in your registered party, you know.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

An Update on Max, Tricia, and My Shrimp


Ahoy out there, you people on the Internet. Have you been wondering about the progress of my home-grown shrimp? The good news is that I’ve developed quite an attachment to them, and they’re safe and sound. I’ve been monitoring the water quality in their hatchery and feeding them daily. The bad news is that they’re still far shy of “jumbo” sized. I had hoped by now they’d be big enough to fry them up, but they’re not there yet. All in good time, all in good time.

Another thing I thought I’d do today is provide you with the service of bringing you up to speed on the globetrotting activities of my grandson Max and my grandniece Tricia. I spoke with Max on the phone a few days ago, and he told me that he’s sold nearly all of his glassware out there in Mendocino County, California. I asked him what his best-selling “big ticket item” was, and without hesitation he said it was his tobacco pipes. And I can see why: They’re more like art than a pipe; why, I would not be surprised if many of them end up in curio cabinets out there in old Mendocino and never get used at all. Max told me that he’s getting ready to travel down to San Francisco shortly; I said to be sure to let me know when he’s good and settled in so he can write another “guest blog” chronicling his travels. I told him to take his time and enjoy himself; his voice sounded a touch raspy and lethargic, but that’s what the open road does to you.

And as for Tricia, she sent me a text message yesterday that said, and I quote, “HEY we r back in kansars now doing good. Missori popos suck. thx 4 letting us borrow trailer <3 ya.” I’m glad to hear she and her friends Derek and Jessica are adjusting to their new surroundings. I’m assuming they parked the trailer in her family’s yard. Do any of you know what popos are? That buzzword is new to me.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

We Can Only Rent Pandas, Not Buy Them, And It’s Too Expensive


It’s grand to see you again, dear readers. As entertaining as it was for me to be reporting live from the campground this past weekend, it’s nice to be back home again…can’t say that I ever feel entirely comfortable leaving the missus in charge.

During my vacation, several important news stories took place, and I intend to get us all up-to-date. Did you know that a new red panda was born in the Washington, DC zoo? Now that’s not the same as a regular giant panda that’s red. No, it’s a separate animal entirely that looks like a raccoon. Which is good because we get to keep red pandas. China owns all the regular giant panda cubs that are born here because we’re only allowed to rent giant pandas from them. They call it the buzzword “panda diplomacy”, but they’re charging us a million dollars per year per panda just to rent them. That doesn’t even include the cost of bamboo for them to eat, and they eat a lot of it. And when I say we can only rent giant pandas, I don’t mean rent-to-own, though those places are the biggest rip-off next to renting pandas. You end up paying four or five times what you would’ve paid for a sofa or a refrigerator had you just bought it outright. But at least you’ll get to keep it if you make your payments. Those pandas are all going to get repossessed by China eventually. That’s why I’m glad it was a red panda being born. He gets to be an American, and he’ll never get repossessed.

The Wikipedia encyclopedia says that red pandas are sometimes called lesser pandas, but I don’t see anything “lesser” about them. I’d say they’re every bit as good as the most famous giant pandas that China sent us back in the ‘70s, Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing. Here’s a picture of First Lady Pat Nixon posing with one. Remember that? If memory serves, this looks like Ling-Ling to me:

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Mailbox Beekeeping: My Delightful New Hobby


Ah, hello readership! As you all know, on this blog I tend to focus my writings on “online buzz”, but today I’m going to write a little about some actual buzz. Yesterday I went to check the mailbox to see if my Valpak coupons had arrived. I don’t like to let them set in the mailbox too long, because I’ve noticed a few of the neighbors casting jealous glances when they see the postman dropping them off, particularly those new neighbors a few houses down who converted their perfectly good carport into a covered patio area. I’m sure the architect who designed that house never intended the carport to be used for that purpose. And that house already had a perfectly good front porch for sitting. I simply don’t understand why they needed a fancy patio. They just moved in last week and I haven’t met them yet, so maybe the patio furniture in the carport is just a temporary arrangement. I’m going to put it on my agenda to drop by their place and introduce myself soon. I wouldn’t want them to think that they’ve moved to an unfriendly neighborhood. Far from it! I think you, my Internet neighbors, can attest to my neighborly disposition.

When I finally made it out to my mailbox, I discovered that not only had my Valpak coupons not arrived, but the bee colony I had noticed in my mailbox a few weeks ago had begun to grow! What good fortune, that a colony of bees spontaneously showed up in my mailbox and then began to thrive! Some people spend thousands of dollars on expensive beekeeping equipment, but I didn’t have to do all that to get some bees. No, those bees must have sensed that The Codger would provide them with all the comforts of home that they could ever ask. And these bees aren’t any weaklings either; no, they’re the big, robust kind, all the better for producing lots of honey. I hope they’re the same kind that produced 200 pounds of honey inside the walls and ceiling of this house in Texas: http://www.nbcactionnews.com/content/aroundtheweb/story/200-pounds-of-honey-pulled-from-Texas-home/R2ObAkZn3UmtHC3nTvrIoQ.cspx (be sure the watch the video and not just look at the photo). In my opinion, those homeowners did not appreciate what a goldmine they had on their hands. Just think…unlimited honey! Unlimited wax! I still cannot comprehend why they had them removed!

Unfortunately, my postman sees things a bit differently: He left a note saying he might have to discontinue delivery to my mailbox because of the bees. Well that postman can su¢k it, because the bees are staying. In fact, they’re now a crucial ingredient for the victory of this year’s victory garden I will soon be planting. But to appease the postman–don’t want to jeopardize getting my Valpaks–I fashioned a new mailbox out of some rebar, plywood, and cement mix, and I put it up right next to the bee-box. And if bees take over the new mailbox, I’ll build another one….just more cogs in the empire!

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Exemplary Codgers: Lou Pearlman


Hello out there in technology land! Somehow, through all the twists and turns of the Internet, you managed to find my little “lifestyle column”. I am glad you made it. Moving on to the next order of business, today I thought I’d begin a new series of blog posts about other famous codgers, “Exemplary Codgers” if you will. After all, we cannot depend on most major media outlets (other than this one) to focus on the achievements of senior citizens.

Today’s Exemplary Codger is Lou Pearlman**, pictured below. I became familiar with Lou’s work after purchasing a copy of his autobiography, Bands, Brands, &, Billions: My Top Ten Rules for Success in Any Business, on a lark. At the time, I was expecting to travel to Branson with the common-law Mrs. Codger, and I knew I would need some info-tainment (buzzword) for the flight. The trip ended up falling through, but I did read the book several years later. What a gem. In case you’re too cheap to buy your own copy, his official Web site has essentially the same info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lou_pearlman

A photo of Lou at Burgernoodle.com


As an entrepreneur, Lou rose (literally) to prominence with the success of his company, Airship Enterprises Ltd., which was in the dirigible business. But he is best remembered today for playing the kooky father figure to a bunch of young musical scamps living in his mansion on the hit TV show “Making The Band”. Life works in strange ways, and eventually, those scamps decided to form a band together. As a tribute to Lou, they named him their manager. Lou, in return, named them “O’town”. But did you know that Lou Pearlman produced and subsequently managed a whole cadre of other bands, including C-Note, Take 5, LFO (Lyte Funky Ones), Aaron Carter, Smilez & Southstar,*NSYNC, US5, Jordan Knight, and the Backstreet Boys, all in an attempt to relive his glory days, back when O’town were the new kids on the block? An “Exemplary Codger” has the right to do that. No one can live a lavish lifestyle, wear Hawaiian shirts, and own a mansion like Lou Pearlman, although his famous cousin, Art Garfunkel, might fit the bill. So there you have it. Lou Pearlman: Exemplary Codger. What are your thoughts about Lou Pearlman? Which of his achievements is truly the greatest?

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

**Editor’s note: In 2008 Lou Pearlman was found guilty of money laundering and conspiracy for running a Ponzi Scheme. He is currently incarcerated, serving a 25 year sentence. Many of his former bands sued him, and there were also claims of sexual misconduct (My source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lou_pearlman). It was a difficult editorial decision, but I ultimately decided, in the spirit of the “Exemplary Codgers” theme, not to focus on the more controversial aspects of Mr. Pearlman’s life.

Another Day, Another Sweeps Week


A good Monday to you all as we start a new week together, growing as people, growing as friends. Your enterprising Codger is never one to rest on the laurels of his accolades; instead, he’s continually striving for ways to enrich your reading of this column. I’ve literally spent hours “trolling” the Internet in search of the latest and greatest techniques Web site administrators use to goose ratings. When it comes to the ‘net, it’s always Sweeps Week. Don’t think that your viewing behavior isn’t being monitored. (Please send me an E-mail if you know how one would, hypothetically, go about finding out exactly who’s been viewing your blog).

In my own experience, one of the most effective ways for a blog to grab my attention is by using buzzwords in its articles. For example, I notice that the term NSFW is used to introduce a lot of articles I find interesting, insightful, and highly informative. By my own calculations, this word is an acronym for “North, South, Fast, and West.” By representing all four directions of the compass (but modifying the commonplace “E” into a more intriguing “F”), this buzzword instantly grabs your attention, since it’s aimed at cutting-edge readers in all directions who demand their news fast. Of course, it’s the worthwhile content that follows which maintains a loyal readership over the long haul.

Speaking of Sweeps Week, I got to wondering whatever happened to a promising television pilot from last season: Grey’s Crab Anatomy. Following the adventures of a spunky blonde hermit crab navigating the world of a successful hospital, how this one wasn’t picked up for a whole season is beyond me! What an injustice! Maybe it got bumped in favor of that other Jersey Shore nonsense. I say, if a gig as Miss Crustacean isn’t enough to get a series into production these days, then I simply don’t know what is. Instead, we’re left to soldier on with only Grey’s (original) Anatomy. But soldier on we must, fighting the good fight, day and night, for what is right. To improve upon the words of songbird Carole King, “When you’re down and troubled […] You’ve got a friend […] in the Codger.”

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger