so stressed

what i look like know LOL

Hey yall, so I guess my uncle told yall about my Braxton Hicks. Its probably cuz I’m stressin like crazy, im thinking Derek don’t find me as attractive anymore that I’m preggo. I no hes been getting with Jess more know that shes all skinny again like I use 2 b. he don’t even let me wear his boxer’s no more, but I saw Jess wearing them when she was feeding Nevaeh. I think hes just stressed cuz he deserves a raze for doing a good job watchin our house (hint to my uncle!!!!). and im gonna bottle feed so i get to keep my figure when its all over :D don’t worry baby, everythings gonna work out as long as we have love. Luv, TRICIA ;0

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Tricia’s Mind Almost Tricked Her Into Giving Birth

Hello and ahoy, dear readers. Did you take the time to read my grandson Max’s guest Blog for this here “lifestyle column” yesterday? Well, you should have. He talked all about his art. If he keeps up his pace, he’s going to become the new Jackson Polanski. You know, the one who splattered paint all over the walls and called it art, because it was…regular people just needed to be told it was for them to realize it.

As Max told you, I had to go to the store yesterday morning. I had to pick up some kibble for Hannah Montana, a tube of Dr. Rembrandt’s Tooth Paste, a box of oatmeal, and a few other sundries. Did I tell you that my groatmeal I ordered over the Internet came in the mail the other day? It did. Turns out, it was bird feed. I gave the rest of it to the birds outside, but that left meal without a meal! That’s why I had to pick up the oatmeal. It might be a while before I give groatmeal another try.

Well, no sooner did I walk in the door than I heard my grandniece Tricia making all kinds of a ruckus. Now, I’ve gotten used to Tricia and her friends making noise around the house, but this took the cake! She was screaming that the baby’s coming! When we got her to the clinic, the good doctor told us she was having what are known in medical circles as “Braxton Hicks Contractions” and that she wasn’t really having the baby. It was all in her mind. She must get that from her mother’s side of the family…that mother of hers has always been a touch on the nervous side. After that, I was so relieved that I went to get the car while Tricia finished up with the doctor. I believe that it was only the contractions that she was imagining, not the entire pregnancy. I’m going to ask her to guest Blog for you again tomorrow to tell her side of the story.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

xx the morning after xx w/ m-fixie

Hey dudes, chillax, M-Fixie’s herre for you. My grandpa called me yesterday and said he wanted to go to the store this morning, and he didn’t think he’ll have enough time to crank out a blog post on top of that. He asked if I would guest blog so I said sure. I can’t believe my grandpa’s stuck to blogging for this long. I guess some people just find their true callings l8r in life. WTG, grandpa!

Now I know you’ve all been asking what’s going down w/ me. I’m just letting it all happen, yo. Living! Just living! Living life! It’s amazing. Always remember that life is amazing. Sometimes you just gotta step back, take a shot of tequila, take a deep breath, smoke a blunt, and open your eyes. Me and CJ got a loft together, it’s tight. We got this huge ass poker table off Craigslist and that makes it feel like a true Man Cave. CJ got the awesome idea that we should do a performance art piece together so that’s what we’re working on now. It’s a commentary about the state of being a young man in modern society and how hard it is. The only thing is there’s a little artistic nudity in it, but def nothing worse than you see in softcore. Those c@cktease girls who live upstairs are exactly the kind of people who need to see our performance art, but they would probably never get it. CJ’s cousin works at a gallery and they might let us do our performance there when we’ve got it ready, prob not for a couple weeks. Pax out,

Xx m-fiXie xX

Reflections on The First Thanksgiving

Hello again, dear readers. I hope you are prepared for your respective Thanksgiving observances. I’ve made an agenda for the common-law Mrs. Codger to help her make the most of her cooking tomorrow. She always forgets to cook the carrots until it’s too late, and they’re too hard if you don’t cook them long enough. As we prepare to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday, let us take a moment to reflect on why it means so much to us.

It all started back in Plymouth Colony in the 17th Century. You had your Pilgrims and you had your Puritans. Everyone always forgets the Puritans; after all, it’s easy to get swept up in Pilgrim fervor. But they were a lot like the Pilgrims, yet even stricter (if you can believe that). If you want to see anything like them today, you have to get yourself out to the Amish Country and look for the Amish. You can’t miss them! If you’ve been paying attention to my description, you’ll know them when you see them.

And then the Native Americans showed up to avenge the spirit of Mother Earth, whose land the English had stolen. In those days, America was being settled by the English, the British, and the Dutch. Well, you also had your Catholics down in Maryland, but that’s another thing entirely. But getting back to my point, the Pilgrims and the Native Americans formed the foundations of America’s farming industry by working together, fertilizing their crops with fish, and breaking bread together. We should all be so lucky on Thanksgiving Day!

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Tips for a Healthy and Prosperous Thanksgiving

Good morning, dear readers. Have you made your Thanksgiving plans yet? If you’re family is both out-of-state and worth visiting, you’re going to have one heck of a time at the airport, or so I hear. Apparently there’s a big band of pranksters out there asking the security guards to pat them down rather than letting them walk through the X-ray machine. I remember when it was a privilege to get X-rayed…people would line up for miles and miles! And now people are begging to get pat down. That’s just old fashioned and backwards! That kind of attitude is not how America got where it is today!

And now let me offer you some more advice for Thanksgiving. When you’re deep frying your turkey, don’t do it indoors. Every year you hear about some careless person burning down his house because he had to have his turkey right there inside. I say it’s just plain healthier to have your turkey outdoors in the fresh air. It’s good for the sinuses, and I’ve known restaurants to get quite crowded by selling special “Al Fresco” dishes.

I’m not sure what rules apply when you need to deep fry your turkey if it’s cold outside, like it can be up in the mountains or over in the Midwest. You don’t want to risk burning down your house, but you also don’t want to risk hypothermia. The temperature differential between the hot turkey and your cold body couldn’t possibly end well. What are your thoughts on the matter?

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Intervention Was A Success

A good Monday morning to you out in the audience today. Well, you can all breathe a heavy sigh of relief. I told you last week that my friend Billy’s grandson Haydon was addicted to drugs. It turns out that he actually spells his name “Hayden”, but that’s his parents’ doing, not his. And he’s not addicted to drugs. It was all a big misunderstanding.

It turns out that Billy confronted Haydon about his irritability and his erratic behavior. He also showed him that intervention video I found for him. Well, Haydon finally stood up for himself and told the truth: He’s not addicted to drugs. But he does enjoy, as he put it himself, “huffing down” large quantities of whipped cream.  

Billy gave me a call because he was still concerned, but I put his fears to rest. Growing boys need all the calories they can get, even if they come from so-called “junk foods” like whipped cream. Why, I remember as a young Codger spending hours at the local drug store counter ordering up ice cream sundae after ice cream sundae, and they were topped with loads of whipped cream. Mountains of the stuff! I told Billy that Haydon’s behavior is totally normal, and let me tell you: Was he ever relieved! I told him to be sure to stock his refrigerator with an extra can of whipped cream or two for the next time Haydon visits so he’ll feel right at home.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Codger Stages an Intervention

Ahoy there, all you readers of this here “lifestyle column”. First on my agenda this morning, I must give my compliments to Nancy Grace for last night’s exceptional program. There were numerous bombshells, and I found it riveting from beginning to end. I’ll be right back “BRB”.

That was my telephone. It was my old pal Bill calling to notify me of the news over in his neck of the woods. He sure had a lot to tell me about today. First, the good news: Billy got himself a good deal on some hard candies at the Dollar General. I hope he got the butterscotches. Those are my favorites. Now, for the bad news: His grandson, Haydon (I’m not sure if that’s how you spell that name), is on drugs. I’m just glad that I don’t ever have to worry about that problem with my grandson Max, my grandniece Tricia, or their friends.

I told Billy that I’d do him a favor and find some good anti-drug intervention videos on the Internet to help poor Haydon kick the habit. I found one that I think is excellent. Very well done. You can really see the way that the speaker, Florrie Fisher, is connecting with the young people in the audience. Haydon had better thank his lucky stars that we have videos like this one that young people like himself can relate to:

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger