Archive for October, 2010

Ghost Writing for Halloween

A jolly good morning to you, ladies and germs! I am most pleased to have such an attentive audience this morning. You are attentive, right? You’d better be. You’re not going to get anywhere in life with a poor attitude. That’s the real world. That’s how it is. You should be more like my grandson M-Fixie, who is, to put it simply, awesome.

I remember when every commercial used to have a Moby song in it. There were more Moby songs in commercials than you could shake a stick at, young’n. Those were the good old days back in ’99. Well happy days are here again, because they made another one, and it’s a doozey! It even has Moby Dick in it! Makes me want to get up and dance the Charleston. I will have to consider the purchase of the AT&T BlackBerry Torch.

It’s Halloween today. I know my neighborhood and the names of the people that live in, so I made a checklist of all the children and check them off when they come trick or treating at my house. I’m not going to waste my hard earned money on carpetbaggers who come in from the next town over to get their hands on our sweets. And if I see anybody vandalizing my house, I’m not afraid to do a little kung fu citizens arrest on them.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger*

*(today’s lifestyle column was ghost written by m-fixie. Peace out)

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My Grandson Max Will Be “Ghost Writing” For Me Tomorrow

Greetings, dear readers. I have some spooky news to share with you on this All Hallows’ Eve eve. I have asked my grandson Max (who I am sure you all remember by his Internet “handle”, M-Fixie, because he is a fixed-gear bicycle enthusiast) to “ghost write” tomorrow’s Hallowe’en column for me. Spooky, no? But don’t let the ghostly happenings frighten you too much: Remember that I am not really a ghost, and that it is just Max writing as if he is writing for me after I have passed.

 Oh my…I had intended to write more exhaustively today, but my Welsh corgi, Hannah Montana, is barking at the door. Usually when she does that, she has to go do her business, although sometimes she only wants to fraternize with a squirrel or somesuch. But I don’t intend on taking any chances. I don’t feel like spending the rest of the day cleaning up after she has an accident, and I do not intend on giving out my home address over the Internet for any of you to come and help me clean up.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

From the Desk of The Codger Microblog

Hello there, Internet readers. Yesterday I was toiling away doing some Internet research when I learned about an important new trend in the online world: Microblogging. According to this Blog, microblogs are like regular blogs, but with everything smaller: The pictures, the data, the words…even the E-mail. And the young people love ’em. That is why I am going to try my hand at microblogging today. That should get some more young people reading. Presenting the From the Desk of The Codger Microblog:

 Good morning, dear readers.

E-mail: theecodger@yahoo.com

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Bring Back the Hogshead (63 gallons)

Good day to all of you on this, the 27th of October, 2008. I’m going to go on the record here and ask the important questions. 1. Why did the companies stop using hogsheads? It’s much more convenient than the two-liter, if you ask me. At a full 63 gallons, the hogshead gives you more bang for your buck. I want to be able to walk into any store and buy mayonnaise by the hogshead, buttermilk by the hogshead, milk by the hogshead, buttercream by the hogshead just like the way it used to be.

Nowadays, even if you go to the Costco Warehouse, the best you’re going to find is a two-liter, or one of those packs where it’s just two regular two-liters attached together with a piece of plastic. Now if they converted those two-liters back into hogsheads, say something along the lines of .333 hogsheads or whatever it may be, well then you’d really have something. Makes it seem like the customer is getting something for nothing. And it’s easier on the eyes.

The next time I’m at the store, I’m going to walk right up to that customer service desk and tell them my idea to go back to hogsheads. With higher profits and a happier Codger, this is what’s called a “win and win situation”. If you didn’t know that that’s what it’s called, well, you don’t know much, now do you? I can’t afford to have uneducated people reading this here “lifestyle column”. That would set a bad example for my grandson Max and my grandniece Tricia.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Codger’s Screenplay

Hello again, dear readers. This is The Codger here. If you’re anything like me, you’ve noticed the outrageous number of television programs starring young people taking up space on the airwaves. There is no good reason why many of these programs couldn’t be made starring some more senior characters. No good reason why! Just because we’re older doesn’t mean we can’t be ev’ry bit as hep and as sassy as (if not sassier than) those youngsters. That’s why I wrote a professional screenplay with my word processor to send to any Hollywood producer who will listen. It has it all! I made sure of it by doing several re-writes well into the evening yesterday. Any critiques are welcome in the comments box:

CAST:

Gene—age 72, to be played by a Ronald Reagan type (before he died)

Margie—age 75, Gene’s wife. A dancer and a singer. An older version of that lovely Zooey Deschanel girl

Clarence—age 71, a well-to-do retiree

Alfred—age 76, he is in a fight over his pension. Should be played by Pat Sajak with make-up to make him look old.

Lu—age 87, Clarence’s neighbor who is a widow and a Cougar. Very attractive for her age.

Act 1. Setting: Gene’s house

Gene: Hello, friends. How are you today? Margie, get them some sandwiches.

Clarence: I am fine.

Alfred: As am I.

Margie: Now that we’re all here together, let’s all sing a song.

All: O. K.

(sing song)

Gene: So Clarence, have you been on any more dates with Lu?

Clarence: Yes, we went on a date yesterday.

(commercial break for that Poligrip commercial I like)

Alfred: How was it?

Clarence: We went out to dinner. The meat was kind of tough.

Alfred: I think I am starting to take an interest in vampires. They are cool.

Gene: Did you see that movie about them?

Alfred: Yes. It was a peach, wasn’t it?

All: (nod in agreement)

Gene: What this country needs more of is defense infrastructure. I have just re-invented the Star Wars satellite plan. It can catch commies anywhere they’re hiding. Margie, can you get me my computer? I know how to use it just like you young people.

Clarence: I enjoy computers, too, especially the Internet. Who do you think is going to win Dancing With the Stars?

Alfred: The nerve of my son Ryan, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Gene: Looks like it’s time to take my Crestor. And I’m not talking about the tooth-paste.

All: (laugh)

Clarence: The nerve of Ryan, my son, trying to swindle that money out of my bank account!

Clarence: Do tell. Young people these days aren’t as cool as we older folks, you know.

Enter Lu, stage left

Gene: The main satellite is connected to a different satellite that has a telescope to keep an eye on the Russians, or whoever you make it look at. That’s why it is going to be good for this country.

Clarence: I approve of your plan. We should write a letter to the editor about it.

All: The end.

Gene: I can’t wait until our next episode. We’d better not get canceled by the network.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Gifting to the Missus

Good morning to you all, all you readers. You know I hate to speak ill of others, but sometimes I do. I went to the store yesterday, and I took along some coupons I got from the Internet. I don’t know what’s to stop someone from printing out all the free coupons they want, because that’s what’s going to happen since the people in charge of the ‘Net decided to go with the Honor System. Not that I would ever cheat the system like that, but there are definitely some unsavory characters out there. And that’s why you should always lock your car.

When I got to the store, I picked up all the items I had coupons for. I was very methodical about it, tracing my footsteps back through the store seven or eight times to make sure I didn’t forget anything. I even picked up a special item from the ladies’ aisle for the common-law Mrs. Codger. I knew she would appreciate the thought.

I knew wrong. Apparently the missus doesn’t use tampons. I said, “If that’s the case, then why doesn’t it say somewhere on the box that not all women need this product?” But it doesn’t say that at all, unless it’s hidden in that small writing on the back that’s too small to take the time to read. And I’m sure it’s not in there. I told the missus that if she didn’t like her present, she should just accept it graciously because I didn’t bother to get a gift receipt from the cashier. And they were the good ones, not the cheap ones.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

I Am Not Allowed to Tell You Who to Vote For, So I’m Just Going to Tell You to Vote

A very pleasant Monday to you, dear readers. I am positively wrapped with guilt for not being with you this weekend. You see, me and the missus decided to take a romantic spur-of-the-moment “staycation” (buzzword) to Atlantic City just like we used to do. In case you were wondering, I lost. And to add insult to injury, when we got back, I fired up my computer only to find that there was something wrong with it: There was a message on the screen telling me that I had to restart even though I’d just turned it on. I didn’t like the sounds of that…that’s exactly the kind of thing the dreaded “computer virus” would tell you to do, so I called my grandson Max and he came over to fix it. While I was away, a major news story broke and I wanted to make sure that you were aware of it. That is my duty as a professional, impartial journalist. New York State gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party is the story:

At first, I was saddened that such a quintessential codger had made such an impact on news and politics. Here was a codger that, by some accounts, was superior to myself. I thought to myself, “How can I carry on?” But then I remembered that all we codgers are in this game together. A vote for Jimmy McMillan is a vote for me, The Codger. So remember to vote for Jimmy McMillan this election, even if you have to write his name in on the ballot. I’m going to change my party affiliation to the Rent Is Too Damn High Party, but I’m going to wait until after the election so there’s no confusion with my registration. You are allowed to vote for people who aren’t in your registered party, you know.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger