The Codger’s Guarantee

Salutations to my entire audience on this Wednesday. These days, we seem to be suffering from a dearth of guarantees in life. When I was younger, everything came with a guarantee. If you bought an automobile, it came with a guarantee. If you were lucky, you’d even get two of them: A manufacturer’s guarantee and a seller’s guarantee (known as the “caveat venditor”) so that in case one of them turned out to be not all it was cracked up to be, you could just go ahead and use the other one.

If you went into a restaurant, you’d see the restaurant’s guarantee written up on the back of the menu, promising you 100% satisfaction or you’d get your meal free. The owner’s signature would be right there at the bottom for everyone to see. When you’d go to the grocery store, you’d buy a can of peaches, and right there on the can would be a guarantee that you had real cling peaches and not some other type of fruit. Heck, I even remember when I’d go to the grocery store and the cash register would print up a guarantee and the cashier would put it right in your bag. You don’t get service like that nowadays.

That is why I’ve decided that this “lifestyle column”, From the Desk of The Codger, should have a guarantee. I’ve improved upon the Preamble to the U. S. Constitution, taking it above and beyond its humble origins, to bring you my personal guarantee:

“I the Codger of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Internet, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common online buzz, promote Welfare reform, and secure the Bloggings of Liberty to our generation, do ordain and establish this guarantee for this here lifestyle column. Fin.”

Until next time!


The Codger


7 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by alter ebro on September 1, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Hi Codger,

    It seems like your intentions are good here, but I don’t quite understand what you are guaranteeing. I see your parallel to the preamble to the Constitution, in that you are stating your reasoning for what is presumed to follow. You indeed have indicated your reasoning for creating a guarantee; but is the actual guarantee not missing? Did you forget to take your Omega 3 supplements this fine day?




    • Posted by Brian on September 1, 2010 at 3:39 pm

      Dear aE,

      My father has a health issue that he is neglecting in his obstinacy. Please kindly disregard such lapses until we find the proper care provider and/or cure for his malady.



      • Dear Brian,

        I don’t know how you found out about my lifestyle column, but you are not welcome around here…we are too busy discussing my new ideas to worry about your carping. Were you snooping through my trash and found my notes? Furthermore, I am more than capable of speaking for myself, and there is nothing wrong with my health. Did you forget that tongue-lashing the doctor gave you the last time? When Max gets back from California, I’m going to have him go into your computer and block this Web address so you can’t read it.

        You are dismissed with prejudice,
        The Codger

    • Hello, Alter Ebro. Please disregard my son’s unwelcome intrusion into our round table discussion group. I assure you that my health is as iron-clad as my guarantee. If you take the time to re-read the guarantee, I think you’ll find that it guarantees a bevy of important things, such as justice, welfare reform, tranquility, and plenty more. I used to take those Omegas, but I switched to after dinner mints because I like the taste better.

      All the best,
      The Codger


  2. My dear Codger,

    My hair dryer tends to give up every 12 months or so, which means buying a replacement is an annual event. The model I bought last week comes with a lifetime guarantee. I worry this means I’ve just cut my lifespan from however many years I was supposed to have left, to about 12 months from now.

    Thoughts? Do you think I should freak out?



    • Hello to you, dear Maura. Whatever you do, do not “freak out”. I know for a fact that the hippies were very fond of doing that very thing, and look at all the trouble it got them into! No, instead, you should be thankful that you found a modern-day product that comes with a lifetime guarantee. My advice is to try to live a long life so that you get the maximum value out of it.

      The Codger


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