Bear Droppings on My Car

Good morning, my dear readers. I never thought this would happen to me, but yesterday evening, when I stepped outside into my driveway, I found myself exclaiming the words made famous by the incomparable Miss Nancy Grace: “Bombshell tonight!” You see, as I was going out to my mailbox to check on my bees, I found animal droppings on my car, which I would not hesitate to put into the “bombshell” category.

After some investigation, I identified the droppings as bear droppings due to their high berry content. I haven’t seen a bear in this neighborhood in over 35 years, but perhaps these things go in waves (like global warming doesn’t…I’ve been around for enough “moons”, as the Native Americans like to say, to know that the planet earth wasn’t always this hot). The way I see it, the bear probably came around because he smelled the honey my bees made. Then he swiped it all with his paw. Well, that explains why I haven’t been getting any honey from my bees: That bear has been stealing it! The only thing I can think to do is get a padlock for the door of my bees’ mailbox. That should solve the problem.

I cannot believe that a bear would be so inconsiderate as to use my car as its personal latrine! Whatever happened to going in the woods and using a pinecone? I’m just thankful that my Welsh corgi, Hannah Montana, was not outside at the time of the vandalism. She could have been eaten! I’ve decided to ramp up my private block patrol (not affiliated with the Block Watch committee) by adding a 6:15 – 7:00 PM lookout shift on my front porch until the bear crisis has subsided. I also added the Department of Transportation to my cellular’s speed dial, in the event that the bear attempts to vandalize any of my neighbors’ automobiles.

Until next time!


The Codger


4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Charlie on August 9, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Good day, fellow. This explains a lot, and I’m glad you’ll finally be able to enjoy some fresh bee vomit (honey). There’s nothing gross about vomit, it’s perfectly natural, and in the case of bees and many other animals, delicious too.

    But I’m worried about our country’s bear problem. We’re still reeling from the fatal attack at Yellowstone, and now it seems the attacks are about to spread. If these were panda bear droppings, then you have nothing to fear–pandas can live with people in harmony. Barring a panda, though, this is a serious matter. I encourage you to cover your entire lawn in steel bear traps, and then camouflage them with grass clippings, leaves, and branches. If you catch him, you can harvest his meat and keep it in an icebox for up to a year before it spoils.

    Also, Tricia’s post was delightful. Such fellow-feeling!

    Over and out,


    • A fine afternoon to you, Mr. Charlie. Thank you for your kind words regarding Tricia’s report–I’ll be sure to pass them along; I hope you weren’t too terribly disappointed she elected not to write about the Ottomans. As for that bear, yes, he certainly explains away all those unanswered questions I had. I doubt they were panda droppings–my first thought was that it could be a spectacled bear, but it turns out that they only live in South America. No matter the cultivar of bear, your plan for my lawn sounds wonderful, and it would also be an effective deterrent to any wayward sidewalk walkers. They have been known to shuffle right atop the Bermuda onions in my victory garden without even looking back!

      Best regards,
      The Codger


  2. Posted by blackwatertown on August 9, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Sounds like what you’ve got there are flying bears. You got a bear in the air. I sincerely hope the local chapter of airborne bears is never struck down with dodgy tummy as they patrol above you all. That could be memorably nasty.


    • Good day to you, Black Watertown.

      I hadn’t considered the possibility of some type of flying bearlike creature, such as a tree sloth, or perhaps a sugar-glider. I’ll give the zoo a ring tomorrow to find out if they’ve had any escapees.

      The Codger


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