The Codger’s Home Remedy


“Chow”, dear readers. In case you don’t speak Italian, that is Italian-speak for “hello”. What with all this weather we’ve been having lately, my trick knee has been acting up something fierce. It always happens this time of year, just like clockwork. I’ve come up with a home remedy to ease the symptoms: You just slap some Blue Star Ointment on your knee, and you’ll be fine. I don’t know if it will work for you, but it’s worked for me. Of course, if you’re planning to allow your trick knee to progress into a full-fledged case of housemaid’s knee, you would be wise to consider getting a personal mobility scooter, should you be inclined to visit the Statue of Liberty or the Grand Canyon.

My grandniece Tricia is back on speaking terms with me again, after her expression of disappointment at receiving a “Spanx Girdle” as a birthday gift. I thought it seemed the young, modern equivalent of the Bettie Page corset she asked for, but I was (uncharacteristically) wrong. I suppose it wasn’t really Tricia’s fault she got so upset…bad nerves run on her mother’s side of the family. Fortunately, I saved the receipt, so she can take it back and exchange it for something she really wants. That’s why you always have to save the receipt, because they’ll give you a hard time if you try to make a return without it. You should have seen the hard time they gave me when I tried to get a refund for the potato chips I bought at the dollar store. I told the proprietor, I said, “These chips were stale. Extremely stale. I want a refund.” And he said, “No refunds without a receipt.” I told him, “They were stale when I bought them from your store. You have to stand behind your merchandise.”

And so went the conversation. Eventually, he learned his lesson and allowed me to select an exquisite porcelain figurine in exchange for the potato chips. I certainly came out on the winning end of that transaction, that’s for sure. In case I forget, remind me to tell you about the time I got them to give me a mid-sized sedan for the price of a compact at the rental car booth. That was out west when we went to visit the missus’s cousin. She had gone catatonic at the time, which put a real damper on our vacation plans (we couldn’t even take her out to dinner), but she eventually recovered, no thanks to the quack doctors they had out there.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

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10 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Charlie on July 21, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Afternoon friend. Well, I missed the pest tech again yesterday. He must have treated the premises while I was taking a nap. When I see him, I’ll ask if he has any tips on how to coax your bees into producing honey.
    Glad to hear you and your grandniece have patched things up: life’s too short.

    Until next time,
    Charlie

    Reply

    • Hello again, Mr. Charlie. Don’t fret about your pest tech. Whenever you get around to asking him is fine by me. I had a look at my bees this morning and it looked like they might start producing honey any day now. I can taste that sweet clover nectar already!

      Best wishes,
      The Codger

      Reply

  2. Posted by Hugh G. Rection on July 21, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    just want trish to finally get that corset and vlog

    MAD FAPS

    Reply

    • Hello Mr. Recton,
      I’ve heard from a reliable source that Faps are a kind of drugs. I’ll not tolerate those sorts of intoxicants around my grandniece!

      The Codger

      Reply

      • Dear Codger,
        This is the type of monster we are up against.
        The corset seems to be an entryway into fornication and that vlog referenced by Hugh. I have added vlog to a list of words to ask my grandson about. I marked it down on some stationary that was provided to me compliments of a Pet Society. I can not be sure of which branch of pet society it is because the typeface is so damn small! Sorry for my outburst there. It is good you keep a watchful eye over your grandneice. It appears that fapping is spreading like wildfire. I for one will not stand for it. These fappers won’t come close to me!
        Yours in Friendship,
        Wesley.

      • Dear Mr. Branderson,

        I’m wondering if these so-called “fappers” have something to do with “flappers”, those floosies of bygone days. Perhaps they’re making a resurgence. I sent my grandniece on a field trip to the mall with her friends to exchange that girdle, but when she gets back, I’m going to have a chat with her to make sure that she’s not in danger of becoming a fapper or a flapper. I’m also going to have to find those free return address labels I got from the pet society called “Pet A” or “Pet A+” or something like that. After hearing about your problem, I’d like to ensure that they’re legible!

        Kind regards,
        The Codger

  3. Posted by alter ebro on July 21, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    No disrespect, sir, but if the remedy is available 4 purchase at your local walmart or via the interwebs, does that not preclude it from being donned the moniker, “home remedy”?

    I strive for clarity on this issue, lest we upset the nation of unruly home remedy proponents. And then wouldn’t the compost hit the fan?

    Reply

    • Good evening to you Alter Ebro,

      I referred to it as a home remedy in the sense that it’s a remedy I used within the confines of my home. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t use some of those so-called snake oil cure-alls in my home, such as gargling with salt water or putting a steak on a black eye. Those are fine if you feel like wasting your time, but I need something with a bit more “zing”.

      Best,
      The Codger

      Reply

  4. Bravo for going in on the Spanx. One day Tricia will come to realize what a great gift she nearly had. I wear my Spanx everywhere. I even bought some for my pug to make him look a bit fitter. They’re great.

    Reply

    • Dear Ms. Vodka & G. B.,

      You sound like the nice saleswoman at the store where I bought that Spanx. She sang its praises the entire time I was there. I’m sure that one day Tricia will want one, but by that point I expect her to be very successful, so she’ll be able to afford one herself.

      All the best,
      The Codger

      Reply

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