Hello, my precious pack of puffins! Happy you could be here today. Now I hate to be the bad news bear, but I found out some shocking news early this morning. I did not feel like going all the way to Costco, so I went to my local grocery store instead. Trawling the aisles, I was unable to locate the Uneeda Biscuits–the Morton Salt did its best to act as a decoy–so I summoned the manager. I told him that I had just run out of the Uneedas I bought last year and wanted to buy some more. He informed me that the manufacturer, the National Biscuit Company (Na-Bis-Co), had discontinued them.
I am still in shock. That flavorless, time-tested biscuitcracker had always been there for me, and now, suddenly, it is gone. Now what am I going to eat as a Sunday night treat with my homemade Bicarbonate of Ovaltine Exilir? While not as sad as the death of a friend, it’s at least comparable to the deportation of a friend: Something that’s about to happen to a lot of people’s friends in Arizona if the Governess there has her way. I have some choice words for her, but I’m saving them for a private E-mail.
UPDATE: The British Petroleum Oil Spill is starting to reach shore and is worsening. I’ve got to say, I like this British Invasion even less than the last one (the hippies), and that’s really saying something. I think my opinion on the hippie lifestyle is pretty obvious, but judging by the amount of them I saw on my trip to the grocery store today, I might be in the minority. I do, however, find their skinny “Nehru trousers” to be a step in the right direction away from those baggy dungarees the kids all wear. The main problem with the hippies is that they don’t believe in protesting. Maybe they could all pile into their “bus” (which is probably just a van), drive over to Arizona, and get some tips from some real protesters…protesters who take the time to create proper chants and picket signs. Why, they’re so good they should unionize into a “Protesters’ Union”. That would show those hippies.
BREAKING NEWS: I just received a phone call that the local Mall Walkers Club (MWC) approved my membership application. Huzzah! I’m off to go do some walking at the mall.
Until next time!