From the desk of The Codger

Happy New Year! The Communists Have Moved In

thecodger — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 16:37:01 +0000

Good morning, all ye readers. How did you enjoy the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day, or, as I call it, the Other Sweeps Week? Mine was ruined because my son Brian got me a Friendly’s gift certificate. He knows I don’t eat there. I stopped eating there the day they stopped letting me order the chicken meal from the children’s menu. I don’t even care about the price. The thing I like is that they put the chicken cutlets on skewers for you. It’s very attractive that way, and it’s easier to eat. If there was a version of it on the regular menu, I’d be more than happy to order it, but since there’s not, there’s no good reason why my cold, hard greenbacks shouldn’t be good enough to buy it off the children’s menu.

Unfortunately, I’m going to have to keep a lower Internet profile on the Internet. Yesterday I saw a bunch of Commies all go into the house next door. The reason I know they were Commies is that they were all wearing red hats. Sure, they tried to disguise themselves by wearing purple sweaters, but that didn’t fool me. No, sir. And they were all lady Commies, the most sinister kind of all.

I told my grandniece Tricia and her friends to be careful not to talk about our Capitalist system over the Internet, because the Commies have probably bugged our system. Since you’re reading this “lifestyle column”, you might want to take my advice as well. That’s how it all starts: They move in next door innocently enough, and the next thing you know, they’ve started monitoring your phone calls and your Internet blogs. So I’m not going to say anything pro-Capitalist here in this space. But just to be on the safe side, I’m going to be keeping a lower profile until I’m sure they’ve stopped watching us. I wouldn’t be surprised if my son Brian hired them to snoop on me. He probably thought they were regular spies and didn’t even realize they were the Communist kind. The unobservant could easily make that mistake.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Don’t Fall Victim To a Phishing Virus

thecodger — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 21:36:42 +0000

A good day to you, dear readers. I would like to make a point of pointing out to you all something important I learned this morning. I was buying a special Christmas gift for the common-law Mrs. Codger this morning at the mall when the cashier asked me if I wanted to give her my E-mail address for their mailing list and to enter some sort of contest to win some sort of prize.

Well, I was all set to give it to her when the good Samaritan in line behind me piped up and told me about the dangers of a what is known as “phishing”. They spell it with a “ph” so people know it’s bad, not like recreational fishing. As I understand it, the phisher phishes your personal information and uses it to send you a virus that has a phishing scam in it. And if you get the virus, you’d better look out. You’ll be stuck paying a computer programmer large sums of money to fix your computer…I grave price, indeed.

When I got home, I decided it would be prudent to do some additional research into the matter. And what I found will blow the cover off the hippies’ so-called “peace and love” charade once and for all: It turns out that the people most responsible for phishing viruses are these tarted-up hippie delinquents: Phish. That’s right, they’re in a band that flaunts its evil mission statement right there in its name for all the world to see! If this isn’t investigative journalism at its finest, I don’t know what is. Now where’s my Peabody Award?

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Exemplary Codgers: Patsy Campbell

thecodger — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 13:41:02 +0000

Hello and ahoy again, all of you who ready this “lifestyle column”. As I was out last week, I let my E-mail get backed up…why, there must have been over a dozen unread E-mails in there! So I spent all day yesterday reading them and getting caught up. One of the best ones came from my grandson Max. He sent me a fantastic Yahoo article: http://finance.yahoo.com/loans/article/111500/the-25-year-foreclosure-from-hell and it gave me the inspiration for this week’s Exemplary Codger: None other than 71 year old Ms. Patsy Campbell.

As Max’s article describes, the government has been trying to kick poor Ms. Campbell out of her house for the past 25 years using a legal loophole called “foreclosure”. I would imagine some of you are familiar with it, particularly those amongst you who don’t manage your finances well. Well, Ms. Campbell has been maintaining her house for 25 years, putting in a watchdog, boarding up all the windows to keep out the storms, and doing all those things that good homeowners in subtropical climates do for the past two and a half decades. That’s because she lives in Florida. And her husband wanted her to have that home when he died, not the government. But as Ms. Campbell says herself, “If they had a case, they would have already won it, years ago”.

Because of all they’ve put her through, this foreclosure truly has become “the foreclosure from hell” for Ms. Campbell. I would’ve stopped making payments years ago, too! But she keeps her spirits high: “They’re not going to take this house. I intend to stay in this house and maintain it as my residence until I die.” Her neighbors should be ashamed of themselves, not pitching in and helping her keep those lawyers off her property! Ms. Campbell, if you’re reading this, I think getting a reverse mortgage (just as I did) might be the answer to your problems! That maneuver would really confuse those lawyers! They’d probably have no idea how to proceed.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Codger Bunks With Hiram And Invents External Combustion Engine

thecodger — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 13:51:17 +0000

Ahoy, dear readers. I just got in last night, but I didn’t want to write and wake you up because it was late. I had a bit of an emergency last week, which called for emergency measures. You see, and I’ll put this as delicately as possible: The missus was having one of her moods, spreading misery everywhere she went. And since the missus frequents our house, that meant I had to escape the premises as soon as I realized her condition.

So that’s why I decided to bunk with my old pal Hiram’s place. He doesn’t have a bunk bed, but he does have a guest room, which was more than suitable. In my haste to escape my house, I neglected to take my computer, but it did not matter because Hiram doesn’t buy the Internet for his house.

Without the Internet, I wrote all my thoughts down on paper instead. My most impressive accomplishment was inventing the external combustion engine. I made the plans right on a cocktail napkin. I’m sick and tired of every engine being internal combustion. That’s why we need a change, and I came up with the idea, so I don’t want any of you stealing credit for it.

When I thought the coast might be clear, I phoned the missus. I made her assure me that she had our house fumigated before I agreed to come home. She said she did. I did not inquire as to whether they had erected a tent over the house and fumigated it that way or the other way, but I suppose it doesn’t matter as long as it was professionals that did the job.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Celebrating My 204th Anniversary

thecodger — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 14:03:30 +0000

Ahoy, dear readers. In my haste to bring you all the latest and greatest news, I neglected to celebrate the 200^th article of this “lifestyle column”. That is why today I will be observing the 204^th anniversary of this Blog with a retrospective of some of my finest works since my last centennial anniversary (100^th).

I called for greater curb appeal in my neighborhood: http://thecodger.wordpress.com/2010/08/16/curb-appeal-codger-edition/

I got ready to build my Space Needle addition to my house:

http://thecodger.wordpress.com/2010/08/17/preparing-for-my-space-needle-addition/

I had an oil spill in my kitchen and was forced to fry up my home-grown shrimp before they were fully grown: http://thecodger.wordpress.com/2010/08/20/an-oil-spill-in-my-own-kitchen/

My grandniece Tricia announced her pregnancy: http://thecodger.wordpress.com/2010/08/29/congratulations-on-your-pregnancy-tricia/

I blessed you with The Codger’s Guarantee: http://thecodger.wordpress.com/2010/09/01/the-codgers-guarantee/

I had a terrible weekend at Brian and Tammy’s beach house: http://thecodger.wordpress.com/2010/09/07/i-have-returned/

I wrote a Live Blog of my daily routine: http://thecodger.wordpress.com/2010/09/08/1010/

Tricia and her friends returned to live with me. What a happy day: http://thecodger.wordpress.com/2010/09/27/my-grandniece-is-coming-back-to-live-here/

I tried to get those Pickers from the television to come to my house: http://thecodger.wordpress.com/2010/10/17/trying-to-get-the-pickers-to-come-to-my-house/

I wrote a delightful screenplay: http://thecodger.wordpress.com/2010/10/27/the-codgers-screenplay/

I told you to smelt down your silver, and you listened: http://thecodger.wordpress.com/2010/11/15/youve-got-to-smelt-down-your-silver/

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

Reminiscing About My Weekend

thecodger — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 13:23:39 +0000

Hello again, dear readers. I just got in from my morning walk around the block. I noticed one of my neighbors, “Mrs. D.”, taking her groceries out of her trunk after returning from the store. I saw she had two bottles of soda in her bag. That woman drinks too much soda. I just saw her buy some last week, and she lives by herself, so it’s not as if she’s sharing it with anyone. You can’t drink too much soda or you’ll get the tooth rot and the diabetes. The next time I see her son visiting, I’m going to pull him aside and tell him to talk to her about it. It’s a sacrifice on my part, but I’ll do it because it’s the neighborly thing to do.

I put up the Christmas lights over the weekend. They’re the new kind on nets. They call them light nets. All you’ve got to do is plug them in and throw them over the bush you want to put lights on. I even put some on my mailbox bee colony.

The other thing I did was to put up the Christmas tannenbaum. Derek did a fine job guarding the property while the door was open (so we could bring the tannenbaum inside), and Tricia was equally magnificent setting the tree in the stand and making sure it was standing straight and tall. Finally, Jessica hoisted baby Nevaeh up to light the star on the top branch. She was too young to be able to do anything, but I flipped the switch when she touched the star. That’s how you make Christmas fun for the younger generation. And we decorated it with real candles, just like they did when they first came out with tannenbaums back in the 1940s.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

The Codger’s Cult of Personality

thecodger — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 13:56:14 +0000

A fine morning again to you, the reader. I’d like to begin today by having a moment of silence for Nancy Grace while she recovers from her surgery. I would call for a moment of prayer, except I know a lot of you use this Web site for education, and the government says you can’t mix the two. If there’s one person you don’t want to double-cross, it’s the government.

Now that’s got me thinking. There are people out there known as followers. What could make them better? Leadership. That’s why I’ve decided to talk about leadership and share some of my greatest leadership tips.

Chief among them is creating a “cult of personality”. I consulted the Wikipedia encyclopedia (not the bad one the government’s going after), which says, and I quote, “A cult of personality arises when an individual uses mass media, propaganda, or other methods, to create an idealized and heroic public image, often through unquestioning flattery and praise. Cults of personality are usually associated with dictatorships. The sociologist Max Weber developed a tripartite classification of authority; the cult of personality holds parallels with what Weber defined as ‘charismatic authority’.[...]While the cult of personality generally applies to the enhancement and promotion of a political or religious doctrine, it stands to reason that it is also asserted in everyday situations where popularity is used to advocate conformity to philosophies and lifestyles, even products and attitudes by way of peer pressure and herd mentality.”

You hear that? You’ve got to be charismatic to have a cult of personality, and we can’t let dictators ruin them for all of us. If we can get enough people to lead through cults of personality, then we’ll finally have that herd mentality we’ve all been longing for. Just look to myself, The Codger, for your shining example.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

so stressed

thecodger — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 14:58:01 +0000

what i look like know LOL

Hey yall, so I guess my uncle told yall about my Braxton Hicks. Its probably cuz I’m stressin like crazy, im thinking Derek don’t find me as attractive anymore that I’m preggo. I no hes been getting with Jess more know that shes all skinny again like I use 2 b. he don’t even let me wear his boxer’s no more, but I saw Jess wearing them when she was feeding Nevaeh. I think hes just stressed cuz he deserves a raze for doing a good job watchin our house (hint to my uncle!!!!). and im gonna bottle feed so i get to keep my figure when its all over :D don’t worry baby, everythings gonna work out as long as we have love. Luv, TRICIA aka your little hoover ;0

Tricia’s Mind Almost Tricked Her Into Giving Birth

thecodger — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 14:09:20 +0000

Hello and ahoy, dear readers. Did you take the time to read my grandson Max’s guest Blog for this here “lifestyle column” yesterday? Well, you should have. He talked all about his art. If he keeps up his pace, he’s going to become the new Jackson Polanski. You know, the one who splattered paint all over the walls and called it art, because it was…regular people just needed to be told it was for them to realize it.

As Max told you, I had to go to the store yesterday morning. I had to pick up some kibble for Hannah Montana, a tube of Dr. Rembrandt’s Tooth Paste, a box of oatmeal, and a few other sundries. Did I tell you that my groatmeal I ordered over the Internet came in the mail the other day? It did. Turns out, it was bird feed. I gave the rest of it to the birds outside, but that left meal without a meal! That’s why I had to pick up the oatmeal. It might be a while before I give groatmeal another try.

Well, no sooner did I walk in the door than I heard my grandniece Tricia making all kinds of a ruckus. Now, I’ve gotten used to Tricia and her friends making noise around the house, but this took the cake! She was screaming that the baby’s coming! When we got her to the clinic, the good doctor told us she was having what are known in medical circles as “Braxton Hicks Contractions” and that she wasn’t really having the baby. It was all in her mind. She must get that from her mother’s side of the family…that mother of hers has always been a touch on the nervous side. After that, I was so relieved that I went to get the car while Tricia finished up with the doctor. I believe that it was only the contractions that she was imagining, not the entire pregnancy. I’m going to ask her to guest Blog for you again tomorrow to tell her side of the story.

Until next time!

Ahoy,

The Codger

xx the morning after xx w/ m-fixie

thecodger — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 14:31:18 +0000

Hey dudes, chillax, M-Fixie’s herre for you. My grandpa called me yesterday and said he wanted to go to the store this morning, and he didn’t think he’ll have enough time to crank out a blog post on top of that. He asked if I would guest blog so I said sure. I can’t believe my grandpa’s stuck to blogging for this long. I guess some people just find their true callings l8r in life. WTG, grandpa!

Now I know you’ve all been asking what’s going down w/ me. I’m just letting it all happen, yo. Living! Just living! Living life! It’s amazing. Always remember that life is amazing. Sometimes you just gotta step back, take a shot of tequila, take a deep breath, smoke a blunt, and open your eyes. Me and CJ got a loft together, it’s tight. We got this huge ass poker table off Craigslist and that makes it feel like a true Man Cave. CJ got the awesome idea that we should do a performance art piece together so that’s what we’re working on now. It’s a commentary about the state of being a young man in modern society and how hard it is. The only thing is there’s a little artistic nudity in it, but def nothing worse than you see in softcore. Those c@cktease girls who live upstairs are exactly the kind of people who need to see our performance art, but they would probably never get it. CJ’s cousin works at a gallery and they might let us do our performance there when we’ve got it ready, prob not for a couple weeks. Pax out,

Xx m-fiXie xX